Tuesday, November 18, 2008
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My Fiancé's Educational Plans Are Messing Up Our Life Plans
This is a guest blog submitted by Bapster1.
I was recently talking to my fiancé when he casually mentioned that he's considering studying 2 to 4 more years in college in order to become either a pharmacist or a chiropractor. I was completely shocked, especially when I realized how possible this is considering he hasn't actually declared a major yet.
You see, we had it all planned out. He was going to major in business and I in communications. We are both attending the same college. We've had this plan for years - even before we began college.
We wanted to get done with school in four years; we were both going to work a year and then we were going to get married, settle down and have a family. We both were really excited about our plans because we want kids more than anything and we can't wait to start a family.But here's a twist in our story. We've been dreaming about this for three years already. It's been a long, hard journey and the wait has seemed like a lifetime. Looking ahead, we have the same number of years ahead of us as we do behind us. Gosh, is forever enough?
And now he tells me he wants to study for at least two more years?! What happened to our dreams or plans? When I talked to him about this, he told me he still wants all that. He still wants to get married and have a family, but he wants to be able to get a good job that will be able to provide for us. And to be perfectly honest, he's not sure he could sit in an office all day long at a desk - he's too much of an "active" guy for that. We both know he'd end up stuck in an office if he continued with the idea of majoring in business.
I really appreciate the thought that he wants to provide for his family and he doesn't want us to have to go with out, and, in fact, I'm really glad he's thinking ahead like that. It shows great responsibility, in my opinion. But haven't I waited long enough?! Won't I have waited long enough by the time we graduate? I love him...a lot. But I really want to settle down and have a family. What am I supposed to do while he's still in school?
Then he proposed the idea to me that we still go ahead and get married while he's still in school.
This is a scary thought for me. First of all, I would have to be the sole supporter for us while he's studying because, obviously, he can't have a full time job and be a full time student at the same time. This puts a lot more pressure on me than I had ever originally intended. Honestly, I had planned to use my education and become a stay-at-home mom/freelance writer.
And what about kids?! He suggested that we wait until after he graduates to start a family. I guess that would be okay, I know my parents wouldn't like it much, but in his words, "Who cares? We're the adults now," so I supposed he has a point.
Then I asked him, "Okay, but what if something happens? What if I *accidentally* get pregnant while you're still in school?" Abortion is absolutely not an option for us and I want kids too badly to even consider putting one of my own children up for adoption. I don't know, I've never been pregnant before but from what I've heard, pregnancy + full time job (the only income we have, I might add) = not an easy combination at all.
Not many people I know have been in this situation so I have no idea what to think. Does being pregnant really complicate things that much? What IS it like to have a child when your husband is still in school? I'm confident that he will be nothing but supportive and loving in any situation that might occur, but still, that's a LOT of stress on me! Be a wife, a mother AND bring in the only income?! Whew! That's a lot!
Another thing he suggusted was a temporary foster care-type situation, but again, I REALLY want kids and I'm not sure I could bear giving up my own child - even for a "short" amount of time.
So what do you guys think? Do you think we should just wait until after he's done with school completely and has a career? (8-10 years seems like a long time to wait to get married to me) or should we just go for this? Is trying to raise a family with the father still in school really that difficult?
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Comments (326)
They have a saying that "no plan survives first contact with the enemy." Broadly, life is the enemy of your romantic plan to live together for the rest of your days.
First, be thankful that he's discussing this with you. It shows he still wants to make it work.
And second, ask yourself what's more important to you - keeping the relationship with him, or keeping to a schedule you made up.
I know the original dream was to get married as quickly as possible, but now he has something more.
He's got life ambitions. He's found some career options that he likes, and I really don't see why you should hold him back from that.
Plus, you guys can still get married, eventually have a family and all those things.
Do not be selfish ~ he has dreams, he still clearly is determined to be with you .. DO NOT BE SELFISH, let him fulfill his dreams. you should not get in the way. if you guys love each other that much? what's the "WAIT" for marriage going to do ? YOU GUYS ARE STILL TOGETHER - HELLO. You possibly are what? 22?? -__- Think harder.
PLANS. NEVER. GO. RIGHT. duh , of course - there are always mixed emotions involved later on~
whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up. let me get this straight...
teenagers in high school change their life plans by the time they graduate from college?
i never would've thought.
Honestly, when it comes down to it, I throughly believe that his education should come before any marriage plans. In the long run, the education is going to do more for you. Marriage can wait.
However, there is also nothing wrong with thinking about getting married, then freezing a few of your eggs, maybe waiting to have kids is the better option.. so why not put a little bit of your stock aside, so if things start to happen, you've got a back up plan for children later.
People get married and have kids while in school all the time.
When I came along (unplanned mind you), my mom was the provider while my dad was still finishing up med school. Their secret? Lots and lots of budgeting and coupons. Plus they had some family support - they temporarily moved back in with my grandparents when my little brother came along.
Anything (even raising kids believe it or not) is doable on a small income, the problem is that people strive to live above their means. Even I'm very guilty of this.
It'll be hard, but worth it.
If there's one thing I know, planning your life out like that usually tends not to work. If I may be perfectly honest, it sounds like you planned for everything to be easy as possible and the idea of things not being that easy scares you.
I think you guys need to figure this out some more before you jump the gun and get married because it already sounds like you're freaking out about a future that hasn't happened yet.
he wants to continue with his schooling..that's a wonderful thing.
It's not like he wants to go backpacking for 2 years
Plans change as people grow
Your plans still seem stable, he's just added more school in between
P.S.- good luck with everything.
So why is it that you could become a "stay at home" mom while he would be working at the office all day getting himself bored out of the entire day?
I think you're being too selfish and keep this in mind: THINGS DO NOT ALWAYS GO THE WAY YOU PLANNED. Things change throughout time. If he wants to study to get a better job (especially with the economy going down right now)....I think you should be more supportive as a young engaged woman.
If he wants to pursue education and a career that he wants, who are you to get in his way. People make plans and then break them all the time..learn to roll with the punches. And on the whole married with children thing...whats the big rush? You have your whole life ahead of you, why do you want to rush into such responsibility. Relax...you are worrying about things that are so far off into the future that it does not even make sense to think about them right now.
Oh and and on a side note...it always makes me sad when I read about women giving up their lives for men. You do realize that you will never be able to share your life with someone until you have a life of your own. Why don't you worry this much about your own life? Go out there and get a decent education, get a degree and provide for yourself. Dont depend on him to give you everything...you can work while he goes to graduate school because you will doing your own thing.
As a college educated 22 year old, I find all this worrying about marriage and kids kind of irrational. I think you should figure your own life out. But whatever, I wont judge. All I can say is good luck with everything and I hope it all works out for you in the end.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - hahaha yea...seriously? teenagers are so damn naive.
why don't you do some more schooling too? you'll both be more prepared for the future and you'll be too busy to get that upset about having to wait...
if you're in college then you probably have more than enough time to wait just a little while longer to have kids, so why not take advantage of this chance to wait a little longer before you have to get all responsible and such?
I think you're being selfish and impatient. It seems you're worried you may never get married. He seems ambitious and that's good. I say let him follow his goal and you can focus on something else as well. The important thing is that both of you can still maintain the relationship.
What's the rush to get married if you're gonna get married eventually anyways? Plus marriage isn't all happy and fuzzy as it's cracked up to be, your relationship changes and you have to work to harder at maintaining it. Probably best to hold off on getting married until after he finishes school.
In the meantime you can always focus on yourself and find out more about who you are before settling down. Who wants to become an insomniac so soon anyways? Doesn't hurt to hold off having kids for a couple years right? :p
He's not ruining "OUR" life plans, it seems like the gist of your post is that he's ruining YOUR life plans. If you truly love him alot, then you will compromise and stay with him because what are a few more yrs when you will get to be together forever? Just because you won't get to be a stay at home mom right away, I think, is not something to be upset over. The key is that he still wants to get married to you and that he has realized the value of education in being able to provide for you so that you can do what you want. Please stop being selfish. I know plenty of couples where the woman is supporting the guy while he finishes law school or medical residency and that's fine b/c he will more than make up for it afterwards.
Plans are plans. From my own personal experience, they never go as follows. If you truly love your fiancee, would you ever hinder him from also pursuing his dreams in order to complete a stronger future for the both of you?
Education shouldn't be taken for granted. If he truly feels that going to pharm school or chiropractic studies, he may be able to support the family you two wish for with more stability?
I don't really know what to say advice-wise for this situation. Those are just some of the things i would consider.
People change their plans as time goes on. It's a part of life. At least your guy has ambitions to pursue something great. Let him have that. It wouldn't be fair if you hold him back.
You can get married while he's in school. There's no harm in that. I've had friends who married whilst in college. Or you can just wait it out till he graduates. That's okay, too.
But don't him back from pursuing his ambitions simply because it'll affect you. That's being selfish and inconsiderate, I'm sorry to say. :\
If I were you, I would rethink a few of the things you've mentioned because I feel you're getting worried over things that haven't even occurred yet.
Anyway, best of luck to you and I hope things work out for you.
@AznShyKitty@xanga - Thank you! Another part to my story -- fast forward about 12 years after my parents married (I was 9 or 10). My dad became a doctor and everything worked out - except that they got divorced.
My mom was a stay at home mom who suddenly had to learn how to support herself with 2 kids and a financially stable ex husband who barely made the child support payments.
Marriage + kids isn't a actually a fairy tale.
Even though she loves us to death, one of the things she kinds regrets was rushing all of that responsibility and not being young for awhile.
I think you should wait for him to get out of school and use birth control. You don't want to adopt/foster/abort any child you desire. I mean I'm about to graduate, but I'm thinking of going for my masters. My bf is already pushing family on me and I told him I can't since I rather have stability than unhappiness that I did not fulfill my dreams. I hope you make the right decision though.
you just said he hasn't even declared a major, so I am assuming he has enough time. Anything can happen during that time. I think it can be a hassle, but it is not impossible. I just think that you might not want to have more than one or...at the most 2 kids. And honestly, you should be a bit thankful that he has some goals because in the long run, it can be beneficial for your family.
I think you're being a drama queen. My husband was still in school when our first was born. And we just had our second, and I'm in school.
sounds more like you have plans to do one thing and he has other plans....
Don't mix in your goals with his.... discuss it over with him... I had a classmate who was a full time student and had a kid... super exhausting and there is financial aid for school... Plus he can work part time. It is doable...
My suggestion is just to wait... it is better to be financially stable before having a family...
Honestly, you're being selfish by putting your dreams above his own. You're imposing your life's wishes upon his academic desires, and if I were him, I'd make it clear that if you stood in the way of my education, I'd leave.
You should be encouraging him to make the best out of his mind, and to learn as much as he can. Marriage isn't permanent, but knowledge is.
You stop him from doing this and he will resent you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day (I know, channeling Casa Blanca). And that will poison your relationship irreparably. Wait the few years. I know it seems like forever, and it seems like an agony...but, honey (sorry, I call everybody honey,) you have the rest of your lives to be married. The few years will pass quickly, and once they're over with, you'll be much happier that you've waited until you're more secure financially. And, truly, be thankful you're marrying a man who has goals and wants to be able to support your stay-at-home lifestyle. That's rare, and many women would be supremely jealous of you for it. Don't throw that away because you're suddenly unable to follow your timeline. It'll be worth it in the end--I promise. Just stick with it--and try like mad not to get pregnant in the meantime.
-Katie