Mr. LionA close friend of mine emailed me yesterday complaining about her life. She described her feelings of sadness and having a void in her life but left out why. It was obvious even though she wouldn't admit it - she's having relationship withdrawal after breaking up. Her boyfriend broke up with her about a month ago, and she seemed just fine.
In fact, she'd been happy for the past month or so, even saying she didn't need him around. She went out to parties, spent time with her girlfriends and seemed just fine. Now she's sad and feeling lonely all of a sudden. I realized this is consistent with all relationships that end; there's a window of about a month where both sides are "happy" after breaking up. They do their own thing and love it, but when the loneliness finally catches up with them, they break down. They can't live without their exes and want them or constantly talk about them. I've seen it so many times and I'm seeing it again with my friend. It's a cycle, and those caught inside of it cannot get out of it and stay in denial.
Do you think there's a window of "happiness" after breaking up? Has this ever happened to you or anyone you know?
Comments (49)
WE ALL AT LEAST HAVE TO FEEL SOME KIND OF "SAD" SYNDROME AFTERWARDS..
well....yes and no. I just broke up with my bf of a year after living with him. I was truly in love with him. And it was really hard the first few weeks without him, esp when i was used to him sleeping next to me. It was so hard to sleep.....but I think that now i'm going through that window period, where I'm totally "anti-relationship" and just want to live my life without the hassle...convinving myself that i'm better off. but i know that around christmas time I'll fall back into that pit of sadness.....its a normal part of breaking-up. As they say "breaking up is hard to do".....and they meant it.
yes. it happened to me and to my bestfriend. hers was bad, because she thought she was ready to be in a relationship, and so she dated a guy within 2 months. then few months along her relationship, she realized that she's not over her ex yet, so she ended up breaking up with this new guy.
as for me, yaaah. we were fine. (we, as in me and my ex). we texted and whatever, but soon we realized that its not enough. or its not good for us. so yeah,, now we're not even talking anymore. but i definitely have been there.
what u gotta do, take ur friend out! go shopping! haha clubbing! whatever makes u guys happy! and just bring all the girlfriends out and dont talk about the exes! =]
I remain on good terms with two of my exes, but my first love no longer acknowledges that I ever existed. Took me ten months to get over him .. but in that ten months, I reinvented myself. I don't know, I never really had the window of happiness after a breakup. I always felt like crap.
Usually I've seen that the first week or two after a relationship one or both parties might exhibit signs of unhappiness. Then they go into the happy phase, where there tends to be some signs of denial. That is followed by the sad phase. Then finally after awhile or the start of a new relationship, there is usually acceptance.
Ooooooooooh yea. You're at first relieved to be single and have fun...then you realize you no longer have a special someone to share those fun memories with. Then you kinda learn to accept it. At least that was my experiences in the past.
I think we all as humans have to go through each emotion, publicly or privately, after a break up.
Its how we cope.
Think we all go through that
Think were fine - partying having fun
Too busy to give a dam about that ex
But once you lay in bed...its all quiet now
Thoughts of your Ex* starts to arise in your head
& circling around you... reminiscing the old times
How at this hour...he would be calling you..talking to you til dawn
Its like a bad habit - its hard to get rid of it COMPLETELY*
Isn't it window of despair which rages on inside for years to come
Yes, and with some, it leads to serial dating...
You get lonely, you date. You realize you're not over your ex, you break up. You get lonely, you date. You realize you're not over the past two, you break up.
It's a vicious cycle
For the past two years, I've been in a constant state of relationships. It tends to be the month-mark of breaking up that I trick myself into thinking I'm ready for a relationship, but really, it's simply me being lonely.
I've been single for 4 months, and I still have my days when I get lonely and frustrated. I've chosen to take 8-12 months off of being in relationships simply so that I can focus on me, my schooling, and my mental sanity.
I really need to learn to love myself before I can get into another relationship. I realize now that I'm not ready, but shoot. That pattern is so hard to break...
Totally. When my boyfriend & I broke up for a few months, I was pretty ok with it at first considering he was the one who initiated it. I probably cried for a total of a day in the first two weeks & I was super happy when I hung out with friends.. It was the next month & a half that was a killer. I ended up bawling each time I had a drink & talked about him non-stop. It was horrible. >..<
I do not believe their is a window of happiness after a break up. There may be relief, sadness, lost, anger, happiness, etc. etc.; all depending on how the break up happen and on what you feel about the relationship before the break up. However, there will definitely be a period of sadness and loneliness after the break up and that is truly hard to get over without getting into the cycle.
This is happening to me right now.. we broke up just about a month ago. Ive been dating dif guys and going out alot and have been real happy but now im missing him like crazy. I see that all of those attempts to keep me busy was just a band-aid. But if their is a window of happiness i cant wait to find it!
My last breakup was mutual. I didn't feel much sadness initially. I was totally carefree and content until a few weeks later, when I saw him at a mutual friend's birthday party. The wave of nostalgia that hit me was pretty unbearable and I broke down for the first time after our breakup.I guess for me, there was a window of happiness, but it only lasts for so long :/
yeah. I was a mess for the first few days, then really happy without him. But about a month later, I just felt so sad and finally acknowledged how much I missed him. It was the first time I cried and I didn't let anyone know about it. I just finally remembered how hurt I felt. Sometimes, I wonder if I messed up but at the same time, I just can't go back to him.
Can't identify with this. The last time I went through a breakup was over two years ago, and the bastard had been abusing me horribly for over four years. The day he moved out, I was free, and I never, ever looked back.
That said, I realize everyone's mileage is different. If someone broke up with a mate who they loved but just couldn't "mesh" with, or if a relationship ended because of factors outside of the relationship (like distance, for example), then it would be normal to go through a period of depression at some point.
i think there is definitely a period of time where one may feel "happy" or liberated. and then there's always that period afterwards where they crash. i've definitely been there. i think it's just a natural cycle of human emotions and if you try to fight it too much, then you'll only dig yourself in deeper. it's not good to dwell on the 'why' but rather ways one can deal with what is happening to them. if they are constantly questioning things instead of actually being proactive, then they will become stuck in this dreadful circle.
My boyfriend and I broke up a little over a month ago and I never went through a 'happy' phase after. Just a lonely and sad one and I'm still stuck there now.
I had kind of a happy phase, which started with hanging out with friends and ended by breaking up with a new guy I started dating.
I'm finally coming out of the realization period. It's great.
I was sad for a month, and then became really happy. I haven't met anyone who is glad they have broken up. After spending so much time together and suddenly having no one to talk to about stupid things etc. is hard.
Everyone's different. Depending on the situation and how the person is, then that's how we deal with it.
When my ex broke it off, it hit me really fast. As for a friend of mine, his ex broke up with him 2 months after mine. It didn't hit him until 6 months later.
Nah, I was miserable right away. But I did go through a rush of needing to get on with my life. So I got myself really busy and distracted, convincing myself that if I acted like I was doing fine, then I would be. But I knew that something wasn't ringing true. Eventually all the feelings I was trying to repress caught up with me. That's when I decided that I needed to see a therapist. It helped tremendously to have a safe, scheduled space where I could just let out every feeling I had tried to deny-- anger, sadness, loneliness, etc. I've been doing much better ever since.
i think that period of "happiness" is more like a type of "numbness"...where you're not sure if this relationship really ended and that you're also wondering what is next since you never really prepare for situations like breaking up with a SO. but you are right that when the numbness goes away, you might start to realize this void that the other person used to fill, now even tho you have more free time, you might not be able to fill it completely.
unfortunately for me, i never find a period solution to this void, but to work and work and work. keeping myself busy was the only solution i have.
Your friend must be a serial dater...
I know their type...Probably never single for more than 4 months in their entire lives...
Serial daters tend to check out of relationships way before they ever find enough confidence to actually step away...To solve this and catalyze this, they will act out, sabotage and pick apart their SO, deep down hoping that the other party will leave. That way, they don't have to put the breakup face on...
More than likely, a serial dater will have one, sometimes more, potential "victims" that they are interested in and have them lined up before making the internal decision to check out...That way, when the breakup actually happens, they just get over someone, buy getting on somebody...Catch my drift?
Everyone's break up is different, but serial daters typically follow the same pattern to a T...
Careful...If she's confiding all this in you, you may just lined up...
I just feel crap. I have that same period where I think ''it isn't really over yet'' that happiness is however, only HOPE that you will get back together. That is not real happiness and is actually really bad for moving on. Some people hold on to that hope for waaaay too long, that is why no contact is better than anything to bring reality home. Other than that I do try to envision a life without him that is POSITIVE and helps me move on. I don't think that is wrong provided I also spend some time crying for all the things I can never do with him again and the future we had planned for US, etc.