Thursday, November 13, 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: I'm Kind Of The Other Woman
I recently started hanging out with a new guy friend. We met a a wedding, and everyone told me that he has a girlfriend. He, however has only mentioned her once, timidly. We've hung out 4 times since the wedding, which was about a month ago. He lives about an hour away, and every time he's driven to see me. We've gone to the movies, out to dinner, hung out with some of his friends, nothing too serious. He always tells me how great I am, how much he always enjoys spending time with me. He's even admitted that he likes me. And I definitely like him.
However, as far as I'm concerned, this is not the normal progression for friends to be taking - to just be friends. I've said all along that it feels more like we're dating. He always holds my hand or puts him arm around me. He's even sneaked a kiss in here and there, and sometimes more than that. He had never seemed concered about having a girlfriend, and hadn't mentioned anything to me about her until this past weekend.
I received an email from him with very little actual information. He told me again how much he likes me, that he doesn't see that changing, that he values me as a friend, and that he sees a lot of potential. He also mentioned the whole GF thing but basically just said that he knows he can be a bad BF sometimes. He said he's not sorry for anything, and he doesn't regret anything that's happened.
I'm beginning to feel like I'm just on reserve; if anything happens between him and his GF, then I'll be here waiting. I feel like I should be upset, if that's what he's expecting of me, but I'm not. I got myself into this situation - knowing he has a GF and not doing anything about it. There are so many things I want to say to him, but I don't want things to change. Is it wrong that I'm allowing him to cheat on his GF with me? I know I can't just sit around and wait for something to go wrong with his realtionship, but is it wrong that I wouldn't mind waiting for him?
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Comments (80)
He obviously isn't happy with his GF. But how would you feel if you were on the other side, aka his girlfriend, and he was seeing someone else? I have been on that side, and it is not fun. I know it must not be fun for you either, being led on and stuff.
Ask him what he wants out of your relationship. If he plans on staying with his GF or going further with you..
I've noticed over the years that guys seem to be way more attracted to me when they have a girlfriend than when they're single. What 's the deal with that? I never could completely understand it.
I don't even care anymore. I don't date.
Sorry, I've got no advice. Just commiseration.
if he cheats with you, what's to stop him from cheating on you in the future?
If he is doing this to her, he will do it to you, too. Watch out, girl! I don't care how much you like him. It's time to get out.
Cut the relationship out right now.You are in danger of having a relationship with a playboy or he must have something wrong with his GF.Otherwise,why he WILL NOT having such a relationship with you.
Yeah~ You should sort the whole thing straight with this guy. In my opinion, man who does that only wants attentions, sure he says that he likes you, blah blah~ But how would you know that those aren't all just a way to get you to stay with him?
It's not worth it.
This is called sketchy behavior on both your parts. And what kind of people do sketchy stuff?
How do you know that he won't cheat on you too? He said he can be a bad boyfriend sometimes.
Cheating is wrong, btw. And allowing it to happen is just as wrong.
My advice: Get out. Now. Chances are, he's not gonna change.
I know you probably started liking him a lot since you guys started to hang out and whatever more but see who's he's going to choose at the end. If he chooses her, you're left with a lot of hurt feelings and if he chooses you, you should becareful. He MAY do the same to you. Just BECAREFUL.
if only my ex's "other woman" had a conscience like you. having been in the gf's shoes, please don't let this go on. she deserves to know, and you deserve the real thing. this current situation isn't benefitting anyone, except the selfish guy.
fix this...great friends is one thing..but this kissing could lead to other things. don't let yourself be drawn in to something you never wanted. be friends. just friends. cause the fact that he kissed you and seems to forget his girlfriend is a bad, bad sign.
You're absolutely right about him having you as a reserve. Fuck that. Drop that loser. He obviously is insecure with himself thats why he cant drop the GF to be with you. This is how "cheating" happens. It was just like my ex. The other girl was the other woman and when he decided to pursue her, I ended up being the OTHER woman, because I was still holding on. I wasn't going to have it so I cut loose. You deserve someone that will be true to you from day 1.
Although you may feel that you guys can be "platonic" friends but that's not going to happen since he's already displayed his feelings for you. If anything, a REAL friend wouldnt do that to you. So if he cant even respect the most basic principle about being a "friend" then he obviously will be a bad BF like he says. Good luck dear. :o)
P.S. While you're at it.. tell him that eyesochinky told him to GROW SOME BALLS! haha
Cheat with him...find out where his girl is...send her photos and dates and times of his disappearance. Then both of you dump him. :)
jk...not really but you probably aren't thinking of doing that. (but big props if you do)
It's up to you if you want to take that responsibility of being the other woman. With it comes the understanding that he may NEVER chose to be with you...EVER. You are possibly just a fun time...a thrill...a woman who is there for a weekend change of scenery...but not used for permanency. Not to cheapen you or make you feel bad, but you could for weeks, months, years be the cheap/fake girlfriend used for cheap, quick thrills. Do you mind being the cheap other? If you don't mind...have fun...if you do mind...let this go.
Also, know that you are allowing this guy to deceive. You are participating in his lies and is allowing it to happen. If you are okay with that...have fun.
Also, know that this woman is not only being deceived...but if she ever finds out this could her hurt immensely. Could you deal with being the source of someone else's heartbreak? Could you be the woman she compares herself to and cries thinking herself to be less worthy than she is? If you can deal with that....go for it.
I don't know many women that are able to really handle these responsibilities. A lot of them end up hurt because the guy doesn't want them, or refuses to leave their main girl.
I was unknowingly the other woman. I hurt one of my good friends as a result. For some reason she didn't tell me she was dating this guy, who was a mutual friend, and he cheated on her with me (for obvious reasons he didn't tell me either). When she finally told me about the relationship, I immediately told her what happened between me and him (I didn't tell anyone b4 then). She felt that he had feelings for me for a while and it hurt her. Me telling her what we both did hurt her significantly more. I would never want to purposely hurt someone like that again. I would never choose to be in that position, especially knowing how much I love my boyfriend and thinking how much I'd want to set fire to the bitch who'd ever knowingly hurt me.
You can go for the gusto, but you have to harden your heart both to him and the unknown girlfriend. Also, there is nothing wrong with being just friends. If you don't want to be the other woman, let him know some clear boundaries and you can be casual friends. If he wants you bad enough, he'll leave her legitimately. But he won't buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free.
i know its evil to the gf but sometimes u think ur someone the ONE so u could change him and he be loyal to you??? idk i neva been a relationship
but thats how i feel..
shall we define the word homewrecker...?
Come on now, you know what you need to do. It's wrong to stay with him. You're inevitably going to break up his relationship and he might cheat on you too. And to answer your question, YES! You ARE on reserve. He's gotten bored with his gf and is satisfying his warped need, whatever it might be, by being with you. Do the right thing, even though it may sting for awhile, it's the right thing to do.
all the best!
wow merquryd said it fine like a dyme! hence this is why men and women cant even be friends, the risks it involves. but if it ends up happening, u definitely hav to ask the guy wats up. what are his plans? ask him, seriously. some ppl practice polygamous marriages, if this were mrrg talk (since i personally dont date). as merquryd said, he may not want to leave his main girl. and if thats the case, dig it out of himmmm!!! --if he's worth that much to u! but if not, im tellin u from experience, harden your feelings and detach yourself from him (and use precautions in the future when coming across other men to find out their statuses n interests before going anywhere). being careful sucks and living a random life seems funner, but in the long run, the cautious soul benefits. the one who doesnt fight battles along the way tends to be an easy victim every time. take care.
This can only end in one way, horribly wrong.
Word up GF.....If he sneaks around now, and his integrity or lack of it allows him to do continue, then he will do it again and again. Tell him that when he grows up and can handle adult issues like an adult, that maybe he won't be a "bad BF"
you could wait for him.. and once he's done with that other girl, he can do exactly the same to you.. as me moves on from one girl to the next.
i think you deserve more than that. everyone does.
if you're happy being a reserve, go talk to your local armed forces recruiter.
that reserve is much more productive and adventure +some than this one.
Make him choose. Whether or not he chooses you, it'll be better off in the long run.
I think you and his gf need to have a talk. Maybe she'll end up breaking up with him when she finds out what a whore he is, and you'll get to date him next.
I would give him an ultimatum and let him make his mind up. You shouldn't have to wait on him, and he shouldn't be cheating on his girlfriend.
that's wrong on both of y'all's parts. he's being a bad boyfriend, if he keeps you on reserve... he's going to do it to you too. what is making you any different? he's not doing anything exceptional, and if he really liked you he would've done the right thing and broke up with his g/f so that it wouldn't get so complicated. shady all around
I had a friend who was in a similar situation once. The guy couldn't make up his mind and didn't have the balls to leave his girlfriend, so thought he could just have the best of both worlds (i.e., my friend AND his girlfriend). My friend kept waiting for him to pick her over his girlfriend (which never happened).
Let me tell you what I told my friend:
IT'S ALWAYS SISTERS BEFORE MISTERS. Even if you do not know the girlfriend, even if you would never ever dream as counting her as a "sister," even if you think his girlfriend is or he tells you his girlfriend is the biggest bitch in the world - SHE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS. How would you feel if some OTHER woman let your boyfriend cheat on you? THINK ABOUT IT. I don't care who she is or what kind of girlfriend she may be, she doesn't deserve to have her boyfriend sneaking around her back, and you know what? Letting it happen is just as bad as actively trying to steal him away. Regardless of whether or not he's happy in his current relationship, the fact remains that he's not available, and you need to realize that you're compromising your dignity by ignoring this fact. You may think that this only affects you, but it doesn't.
If I were you, I'd cut him loose. You don't have to play Good Samaritan and tell his girlfriend's what is going on (though I hope someone does). You can just walk away from the situation and then go find yourself a real man who will treat you with the respect you deserve.
Cheaters normally cheat again and he already admitted he can be a bad boyfriend. Even if he ends up breaking up with his girlfriend (though, it's my experience that in these types of situations, the girlfriend's usually the one to call it off, so don't expect him to end it for you or anything), he'll move on to you and then when he decides he's not sure what he's want again, he'll find ANOTHER OTHER woman to cheat on you with. If you want to put yourself through that, that's your decision.
Whatever you decide to do, please remember: There's another woman in the picture too - his girlfriend - and you are hurting her whether you mean to or not.
He's telling you so many things you want to hear-- How much he likes spending time with you, what a great person you are, etc. What do you think he's saying to HER? Probably that he loves her, that she's a great girlfriend, etc.
A guy who willingly puts himself in this position is inevitably a duplicitous asshole or a noncommital coward. Either way, he's not worth your energy.
Get yourself out. Insist on boundaries. Have no contact. If you never hear from him again, you'll know that he was just playing you. Should he end up breaking up with his girlfriend and come knocking, make sure you give it some good time before you decide to be with him. He needs to know that love is to be earned and not given away for free.