Dr. Datingish
I am an innocent looking girl, but I actually have a very high drive for sex. I really love my current boyfriend of 7-8 months; I make love to him a few times a week and everything is pretty normal. However, frankly I don't really enjoy, or rather say I don't really get high most of the time. Instead, I always have all types of fantasies. I feel my fantasies are very dirty: things like having sex with my BF's best friends or being raped by the guys who went after me but yet to have me or having a one-night stand, etc., even though I've never had a one-night stand or even betrayed my boyfriend before.
I don't think one-night stands, rape or cheating are right and I don't like that I think about them, but those fantasies make me really high and satisfied. I feel bad to say I prefer the feeling of fantasizing to having real sex with my boyfriend. What makes me feel even more sick is that I can even fantasize about making love to other guys when my BF is still sleeping beside me! I feel really guilty about all these fantasies, but the fact is that I can't stop it 'cause I enjoy it.
How can I improve my sex life with my BF? How can I stop my fantasizing? Has anyone had the same experience?
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Comments (34)
I don't think that you should feel guilty about it... Everyone has their fantasies, it all just depends on whether you act on them or not... Better yet, why don't you try sharing your fantasies with your boyfriend? Maybe not the 'his best friends' part but, if you have a more sexually open relationship it could take away a little of the tedium. Who knows, maybe he has some 'wrong' fantasies too!
Wow. I kinda know how you feel, I have fantasies that don't involve my boyfriend. I think he suspects because he calls me a freak and says I'm twisted in the head. I think maybe he found an erotic book that I keep hidden in my room or went through my laptop. I tried once to tell him what I like (it helped that I had been drinking) and he seemed ok with it and we even tried some stuff. But then the next night he told me not to mention it again. So I'm confused. I hate to admit it but sometimes I look forward to him leaving so I can fantasize without distraction. I totally sympathize with your situation, and how can you get rid of that guilty but good feeling?
Okay. What the HELL is this? :
feel my fantasies are very dirty: things like having sex with my BF's best friends or being raped by the guys who went after me
Oh, you mind as well not say those guys raped you because you fantasize bout them. How about you just, TAKE all ur crazy little fantasies and use them on your loving bf..who seems to not pleasure you whatsoever.Hrmmm.....
INNOCENT LOOKING? wow. FREAKIEST LOL
i think you should tell him that you want to explore some other sexual positions, or maybe incorporate some toys into the mix, that might make it interesting
Just take control of the situation and tell him what you want. When a girl tells me what she wants, it's a super turn-on.
If you really need help, have a couple drinks with your bf during dinner or before you plan to hit the sack. That way you're a little more relaxed and it's easier to tell him what you want. Also, make sure he's a little buzzed... Nothing like a rough romp in the sheets to bring two people together!
Good times!
I don't think you need to stop those fantasies, but you *do* need to improve sex with your boyfriend. If you can manage it, talk to him about some of the fantasies you have. Some of the details (like that you fantasize about other *people*) don't have to be shared necessarily.
And just because you have those fantasies, and enjoy them, doesn't mean you need to (or should) act out on them.
Suggest these things that might align better with what you seem to be seeking:
- Ask him to be rougher
- Try positions in which you can't see his face (doggy or lights out?) so that you can just think about the pure act of sex.
- Try to introduce some light submission/dominance play (or other roleplaying, if he's into that).
Also, don't be embarrassed about this. It's really common for women to have rape fantasies, or to fantasize about other men.
obviously you should just combine the sex with the boyfriend with your fantasies. and i think your rape fantasy is more of you being dominated in bed which is easy to translate into the sex you have with your boyfriend.
If he doesn't satisfy you, you tell him what you want and how you want it.
.. I don't know about stopping fantasies with other guys but maybe when your sex life improves you'll stop having them? yah? ahaha good luck :]
Whatever you do, don't feel abnormal for this! Trust me, I've fantasized about even weirder shit...
But instead, why not translate some of this into real life? Maybe you can't actually have sex with other people while you're with your bf, so leave that stuff in your head... but things like rape or rough sex may be acceptable. My ex & I liked playing a game we called "rape" which is pretty much how it sounds. Sometimes we involved alcohol, & he would force me to take shots... & then "rape" me. Other times it was in a semi-public location, or against a wall.. you get the idea. The point is, if gentle lovey-dovey sex isn't always satisfying for you... SAY SOMETHiNG! I'm sure he'd be willing to help out, if he only knew.... and if he isn't willing to accept that part of your personality, then maybe he isn't right for you.
I know that I sometimes fantasized about other ppl/situations while my ex was sleeping right beside me. For me it was indicative of the fact that our relationship had been weakening, because before that point, even when we were separated for several months, I had fantasized only of him. It prompted me to take a hard look at our relationship to figure out what the issues between us really were... ultimately we decided we were better off not being together. So I'd also urge you to take a realistic look at your relationship and see if there are other aspects of it (besides the sexual) that aren't satisfying as well.
@Mr_Jin@xanga - "Also, make sure he's a little buzzed... Nothing like a rough romp in the sheets to bring two people together!"
haha! agreed! =P
LOL. Nice description of yourself. . . "innocent looking.. "
Well according to talk shows like Oprah and Tyra, it's pretty normal. I think I am too young to experience this. Why am I even commenting? I have no idea. I just think this will maybe, possibly, perhaps be me one day.
Is this actually taken on another deeper, subconscious level? Like you aren't satisfied with your BF? Satisfied in other areas other than the bedroom, I mean.
If your boyfriend is open to it, you two should role play! That way you can act out certain fantasies and it might makes things more interesting for you
LOL! This post is super cute. Makes me wanna go find a man and just ravish him from head to toe. hahahaha Well, if you have these fantasies, don't squash them or keep them to yourself. I think you should use it on your bf. I'm sure he'd love a good-raunchy-agressive-orgasmic fucking! If its hard for you to open up to him, send him subtle messages such as a raunchy text message or one of those sexy fantasy emails (pls dont send it to his work email in case he is being monitored), or call his cell phone when you know he cant answer and leave one of those soft, raspy, "I want to fuck you now" tones and tell him how you want it and see if he'll follow through. (Okay maybe that wasnt so subtle afterall) I can almost guarantee you that he'll be thrilled to please you in ways that you have imagined. Good Luck & Have Fun!!! :o)~
you could always try role playing
I dont know how your boyfriend would feel if you asked him to pretend like hes raping you though 
yes
See if your BF is game for some of your sexual fantasies! If he is, then problem solved, right?
And don't feel guilty about your sexual needs or desires. You should have a partner who can satisfy then. Or maybe partners! You know, some people just aren't cut out for monogamy. And that's alright, too.
role play
hmmm....I wonder if a guy wrote this post, he would get the same kind of responses.
@eyesochinky@xanga - wow, if i were in a meeting, my phone would've been off.. i'm sorry but you'll have to wait.. lol..
you might as well tell your bf to wear a paper bag over his head.. haha~ if you told him (doing it with his friend, being raped by strangers), that's just going to be how he feels... so you might want to leave out certain fantasies and only tell him ones where he's involved..
@kawasaki_saiyan@xanga - as long as you get the msg and agree to meet me at home then its all good baby. HAHAHAHAA
I'm just going to say that it's TOTALLY NORMAL to think the way you do. I took a Human Sexuality class, and one of the things we learned about is that just because women fantasize about rape and such, it doesn't mean they want it. At all.
Although, seeing as how you're fantasizing about other guys, this is indeed a predicament in your sexual life. I suggest going with la_faerie_joyeuse's advice and tell your boyfriend about some of your fantasies. It shouldn't hurt to try something new and different.
Just don't be discouraged by how awkward you may feel at first when you're telling him and when your sexual life takes a turn for the better.
And just to relate to you, I have a boyfriend and I fantasize about things like that too, although definitely not as much. But I still don't think there's anything wrong with girls who do. Guys have fantasies about things like that all the time... try asking your boyfriend what his are. Maybe you'll be surprised.
if these thoughts are hindering you from doing normal activities or hurting your relationship with you bf, then you need to get some professional help. if not, then role playing might be an idea.
One thing for sure...you aren't out of the mess my dear!
It's not a bad thing to fantasize,as people have told u before but the real thing is how far u go with it...There's only a step between fantasizing and perversity...