Tuesday, November 11, 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: Is He Moving On After Our Breakup?
There are so many ways people try to hint to the past significant other that one has moved on ... sure, you may cut off all ties, but it's so hard when you can't help but to surround yourself and think about the old times and embrace them. One may cut up/delete all the pictures, delete the other person's number, delete the emails, but what would you do to cut off all ties?
I know some may not even respond to the other person's email, but the reason I ask is my ex and I share this music network together, and he's barely on it. I recently texted him, and lo and behold, I went on that music site, and he "downloaded" 4 songs, which were "Shut Up And Let Me Go" and "It's Over".
My guy friends tell me that they wouldn't normally go to that extent and that I'm thinking too much. My ex is quite the passive guy. He normally doesn't listen to songs like such, but would you, as a guy, do that to get a girl off your back? What other ways would you show that you have cut off all ties and you're moving on?
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Comments (33)
ｉ ｓｅｅ．．．
I'm not a guy but in the spirit of passiveness I'd wear graphic tees all the time saying things like "Single and looking!" or "Seriously (name of ex), you need to let go." I'm not going to judge him on his methods but I don't think I would have bothered with downloading songs with titles to convey the message because that kind of hinting just confuses people.
"shut up and let me go" has such a cool beat.
a more aggressive method would be to just get a new bf/gf. i don't know how much more "over" it could be than that.
i don't really understand the issue. he's your ex. you text him. he doesn't want to talk to you so you believe he "downloads" songs with titles that say buzz off as a message to you (i'm not entirely convinced that this was his motivation, but i'm just gonna go with it).
and what does it matter? if he wants to be left alone, then just leave him alone. you're not together anymore. don't you *want* him to move on?
Well, you gotta get rid of that music network you've both been sharing. Because that's still one last string that's uncut. Whether or not his downloads were directed to you, it shouldn't matter. It's time to move on. Don't linger around and make yourself at his disposal (even though he's cut all contact with you). "Silence" is sometimes the loudest message someone can send. If they dont respond to your text msg, emails, calls, or any other form of contact... its time to move on. Respect him and respect yourself by not being the ex that won't let go.
Perhaps it's best to give it time.
just get someone new and move on.
i was stuck and still love my ex bf. but what can i do if he doesn't want to come back to me?
let's move on.
cheers.
You probably would be better off just getting rid of the music network. It seems he's set with his decision and you should move on. But look at it this way: more opportunities out there.
"There is plenty of fish in the sea. It's a matter of if you are willing to go fishing."
That's kinda clever if he d/led those songs on purpose just to send a message to you. However, I wouldn't think too much about it either way.
I see a a trend in these answers...guys usually lean towards "doubt it's a message to you" but girls take it as a "clever way to let you know how he feels." Guess that's the difference between how a guy's mind works...
I'm not going to lie. I tend to think and analyse things like this a lot too. And to me, that would have been a huge slap on the face. intentional or not.
Move on dear. Sometimes things are just not meant to be. And when they end...you can't control how the cards can play out.
Take time and do things you enjoy with girlfriends. Meet other guys. One day, you'll look back and giggle at your own sillyness for dwelling on such matters. =)
Looks like this music network is doing you more harm than good. Hopefully the ex is not trying to send you subtle or subliminal messages through his music selections, but who knows. Evidently, you seem to be getting psyched out by this, so the best thing is just to not sign onto this music thing, get a new log-in, or something -- anything that will get you to stop thinking about this guy.
I can understand how things can be painful, especially during the time immediately following the breakup, but I do think that time heals most wounds and you probably just need to give yourself some space between you and the guy. My last girlfriend and I had been dating for 2.5 years and broke up in August. It took me over a month just to start getting over her, and I still think about the times we had together. I think what helped me was just letting time pass, and also spending more time with my other friends and meeting other women. However, we were about as mature as we could be about the breakup, and even though we recognized that it would be ideal just to not speak regularly and only touch base via e-mail every week or two, we also felt that if anything came up or if either of us were having a hard time about things, we'd be there for each other to help get past things. We haven't talked in the last three weeks so I assume that things are fine on her end, but I know I'd be there for her if there was anything she wanted to talk about.
Anyway, it's up to you how you want to handle things in your situation though, because some people seem to feel it's easier just to cut off all ties with their ex. I guess it all depends on how much emotional strife it would give you to speak with them again. However, based on what you described, it sounds like you ought to let it become water under the bridge before engaging in regular contact with him again.
I'm not a guy but I know when an ex has moved on. They start dating other people.
@lil_eric@xanga - You write more on comments than your entries -_- lols
I knew I was starting to move on with my life when I decided to let go.. Determined that is. I explored new things, I tried to new things..I met more people - girls&guys wise - and became extremly content. ..I would listen to love songs..but there comes to a point, where it didn't hurt anymore when I listened to them..=]
Like I said, "Emotions aren't always forever, but it's the memories that brings us back to those emotions" hahah...
Moving on isn't always a bad thing..Just keep it going
WHen I really want to move on... I cut off ALL ties. If I see him on it, I will delete myself and/or him.
It makes it so much harder when they are visible to you.
Im in that predicament right now. How much snipping do I need? Thats what Im trying to figure out
why can't it be a peaceful breakup? if its over, then its over, he should just be more mature about it and tell u up front, and really sit down and discuss things with you so everyones on the same page.
so you're asking if your EX wants you to move on?...
hm, your EX bf BROKE UP WITH YOU, meaning that he DOES NOT want to see you anymore, and you're asking if he wants you to move on.
... guys are so confusing sometimes.
To all the girls who said "I'm not a guy, but..." chances are you're thinking the same thing as all the other girls, trying in futility to interpret the songs that he downloaded.
Honestly, guys really don't care that much to send subtle messages like that. If he wanted you off his ass, he would tell you straight up. Guys don't like to beat around the bush. Take it from me. I am a guy =p
maybe he's doing that because he's passive; he doesn't want to be polite and tell you off to your face, so he's being rude online. but in such a way that you can't really blame him for it.
he sounds like kind of a jerk... or at least, he's a jerk about breakups and can't deal with them well...
hmmm.. downloading such songs to leave a message sounds interesting.
not sure if that was his way of telling you to stay out of his life, but i guess it's a safe way to say it is.
i think the issue is not in his 'subtle' message, but in your heart: you haven't let go.
well, maybe it's time for you to write up some non-sense about your thoughts and feelings in a 'private' posting?! that works well.
last time i parted paths with someone, even though it wasn't my idea to part the road, to make things 'clean cut,' i left the country as soon as i could.. and i remember being on xanga almost every hour writing up silly things in private posts.
i think that worked well.. except, i think her mom (or maybe her sister) still keeps coming to my blog.
was the 'clean cut' necessary?
i think it was. even though she attempted to get back in touch with me via third-party, i simply didn't let her.
but, the funny thing is, she met the person she needed to be with, and i think she made a wise decision and is actually really happy about it.
as for me, i got a lot of things done (that i probably wouldn't have otherwise).
so.. move on.
he's not with you, and he doesn't want to be with you.
there are SO many men in this world.. in fact, there might just be too many.
go and get ready..
..and be with someone who wants to be with you.
Hard to say. Not everyone is sophisticated enough to concoct a plan consciously that would turn out the way this turned out. In other words, not everyone is sophisticated enough to say "Okay, she texted me and I don't want to talk to her because we're done as a couple. So what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna hop on this music network that we still share, and I'm gonna download some songs with titles that send a subtle-but-unmistakable message that I want her to piss off. Then, if she happens to log on herself, and she notices what songs I've downloaded, she'll get the message. Yeah...that'll tell her, loud and clear!" See what I mean? He'd either have to have an incredibly self-assured sophistication in the plan, OR, he'd have to be SO passive-aggressive that he can't even bring himself to tell you to go away for good, and as such, this would have to be the strongest response he could muster.
Personally, my most recent breakup over two years ago was so overdue that it ended up being kind of tidy, at least initially. Of course, just when I thought I was free of the miserable, sadistic, abusive bastard who had beaten my brains (and any other body part he could latch onto) in for over four years, he started finding other ways to try to destroy my life. But that's a topic for another day!
If hes a passive person thats his way of saying let him go...
i know it's easier said than done, but nonetheless, it's what best for you.. move on and learn to love yourself before you start loving others..
dont ever guess what the other person is thinking/feeling...actions speak way louder - if he doesnt call u message u bump into you then u should know he doesnt want contact w/ you (unfortunately) dont look for hints and dont guess....time to move on XOXO
omg. been there. what he did, he did on purpose. he might not mean to hurt you but for him, this is the only way to tell u to move on.
my ex put up the song "details in the fabric" and a youtube of "No doubling back" by jason mraz. here are some lines:
I wonder, wonder which one of us
Is gonna state the obvious
I wonder if you already know
That i gotta let you go
I know this ain't the way i planned it
I guess i ain't the great romantic
And i'm not doubling back now
No doubling back now (x5)
Doubling back now
No turning around now
No going back now
after i heard that, i knew he's moving on and he wants me to move on as well. SIGH. so i suggest, delete that music thing u guys got going. coz its just gonna hurt.
I think he's passive aggressive & can't be a man to tell you to your face that he wants to cut all ties with you.
When I broke up with my ex, I wanted nothing to do with him so I blocked him on AIM [when I still had AIM], deleted his number, didn't read his emails, & he de-friended me from fb for me. My sister also cut off all communication with him at his request but later she was thankful for that or else he'd be asking about me constantly. I had a friend delete all our convos [between me & the friend] 'cause my friend was his roommate & I discovered he was reading our convos.. My best friend limited her contact with him out of respect for me & eventually the communication between them died out. It's for the better or else he'd be wondering how I was doing & everything.. -___-" I also made it a point to box the things he gave me.. Then when I wasn't looking, a friend took the box away from me to help ease the pain.. to this day, I've no clue what happened to the contents of that stuff. He wanted to remain friends but I was the one who cut him out of my life. He wasn't healthy for me.
Good luck~