Saturday, November 08, 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: I'm Scared to Believe My Boyfriend.
Before my boyfriend and I got together, he was in a really bad relationship for over two years. He says he loves me and is in love with me, but I'm scared to trust him because just like him, I was in a bad relationship before he and I got together.
The relationship I was in before turned out to be a total lie; I was lead on and cheated on the whole time. I don't want to be hurt like before. But I do feel just the same as he says he does. I bug him a lot about cheating on me and not feeling how he says he does.
He gets annoyed when I ask or assume things about how he feels. He says I mean everything to him and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I feel the same way, but I guess to say it easily, I'm scared to believe him. He has given me absolutely no reason to be scared. What do I do? Is it just me being simply scared? Or should I be scared?
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Comments (37)
press the 'reset' button.
*chuckle* don't you just wish it was that easy?
well, it isn't that easy, but you do need to 'reset' things back to where you didn't need to trust and rely on the existence of a guy.
if you can't believe him, then you don't trust him.. then, why on earth are you with him? right?
stay lonely for a while.. don't do the dating thing until you know you're ready to meet someone who loves you and who you love and trust.
then.. maybe you won't even want to do the 'dating' thing anymore. who knows?!
I am in a similar situation.I Love the woman I am with .With all that I am.However ,that fear can sometimes come creeping in and cloud a persons thoughts.It is like being judged for the sins of past relationships that were really bad .I have to side with your boyfriend on you making assumptions and telling him how you think he feels.It is frustrating as hell sometimes to be 100% straight up with your feelings and told that you dont really mean it.I know that what you went through was devastating, like you say it was but dont let it ruin this one.When two people get really burned in a past relationship they need to go slow and build up a trust in one another.Time is the greatest revealer of ALL things.In my case If I have to tell my girl 1000 times a day I love her and she is the only one ,so be it.Eventually she will see I am for real and her fears will subside.If this person is the one for you you will find a way to make it work better than anything you have known before.I wish you much love and luck with your relationship
If you're still in fear of being cheated on again or doubting the way how someone feels about you... you two shouldnt be together. I know it sounds harsh but that's reality. The doubts and assumptions will only drain your relationship. We can all tell you to give this guy a chance, but that doesnt mean it WILL work out for you guys.
If he was in a bad relationship too, you two should spend more time (apart) to heal. You need to find that foundation that you've lost. You have to learn to love yourself more, protect yourself, and be able to make decisions with a clear conscience. Don't do it for the sake of afraid to be alone or you're afraid that the chance for you two will pass. Unfortunately, timing plays a big part in bein in a relationship. If you both aren't ready to be in another relationship (having doubts) then it's best to be friends for now or else it'd end in bad terms. Causing more pain for each other, and it will only make your more jaded.
Based on my personal experience, I was with my ex for 10 years (on/off). We've been broken up for about 8 months now. Trust me, I am NOT ready to be in another relationship right now because I haven't completely recovered/healed from the pain, the lies, the cheating, etc. I don't want to be unfair to the next guy that comes along. He shouldn't have to pay for my ex's mistakes. I want to start a clean relationship when I AM ready to start one. Because if I'm constantly living in fear that the next guy will cheat on me, my future relationships would never work. (the last 3 guys I've dated have all cheated on me) I'm not afraid to fall in love again (when I'm ready to) and just because 3 out of 3 guys cheated, it doesn't mean the next guy will... that's a gambler's fallacy.
There's always some emotional baggage that follows after a bad relationship, or any relationship at all. You have a perfectly good reason to be scared, but that shouldn't be holding you back from something that could possibly be the best thing that has ever happened to you. It takes time to get over those things but try getting over it WITH your SO instead of blaming him. Try to gain a mutual trusting bond between both of you.
Hey, wow..I sort've feel bad for the guy. I understand that you would feel worried and all, but he wouldn't put up with all those assumptions and still treat you well..=\
I think, you should listen to the song,
His Mistakes - Usher
I would say a lot..but girl up there already did :)
don't get me wrong, we all have gotten crazy ideas that our hous were cheating on us, but we have to trust them. unless of course, you got strong reasons to not trust him.
I think you need to give the boy a break, he isn't your ex.
xo
Perhaps you need to get over your fears. Accusing him will only make him run and do what you don't want him to do, unless you want him to treat you crap, which I don't think you do.
@JessxMaxine@xanga - People who have been hurt will not trust anyone for a while being it who ever it be. They need to get over what happened to them and then begin to trust.
@Wangnation@xanga - Well said. This appears to be a problem not with the relationship itself but with the individual people in the relationship.
@JessxMaxine@xanga - You raise a very good point and one I doubt the original poster has thought hard about. Why, indeed, are you dating him, if you can't trust him?
Kinda off topic, but just letting Dr. Datingish know that the link for sending questions isn't working. Is it for anyone else?
@Wangnation@xanga - I completely agree with you there.
He has given me absolutely no reason to be scared.
Yeah. You said that.
I'm having a hard time trusting my boyfriend right now too. And like you, he's given me absolutely no reason to be scared. But, of course I am. It's easier said than done, but do your best to take a leap of faith and trust him.
Your feelings are logical, its your response to what you experienced already.
I am a bit confused did your current boyfriend cheat on you? If not you shouldn't accuse him unless you have absolute proof. Accusations are the beginning of the end for a relationship.
Let your ability to trust one another be shown through your actions, because words only mean so much. When you are able to trust your current boyfriend it will allow for closure in your past relationship
Be patient with yourself and think things through. Don't jump to conclusions and know what you want. Things will work out.
@awokenfatality@xanga - I know. My current boyfriend got hurt badly from an ex and it took him four years before he completey trusted a girl.
That's why I said, if she can't trust him, why be with him? She is only hurting himself and that's why I said she should talk to someone about her fears/problems.
xo
most guys, in general, don't like it when their significant other assumes/accuses that they're cheating.. it's like they don't trust us.. and this constant accusations will drive us crazy and the next thing we know, you led them into cheating.. i'm not talking about the bad guys; i'm talking about the good guys here.. the bad guys, they cheat, they lie about it, and they keep doing it..
not every guy out there is completely bad.. some of us are quite trustworthy when we're committed.. and if you're going to keep accusing us of doing something we're not, it'll only drive us into madness (they hang out at the bar, have a few drink, and the next thing they know, they're in bed with another female -- of course, this isn't the only scenarios, there are plenty of other ones)..
so yeah, take out the trash...
Just take the leap of faith. Sometimes you don't know until you get into it. I understand you were badly burned once but you can't go play it safe & never take the risk again.. that's not how you live. You're just going to have to take his word for it & trust that he won't do it to you. He's not your ex & no two people are exactly alike. You're bound to come across some bad apples but that doesn't mean the rest are spoiled as well. Give your current boyfriend the chance. Take the leap of faith & give him your trust.. sometimes that's all you gotta do.
I hope you're also communicating this with him as it'll help your relationship. Boys aren't mind readers & are often pretty dense [same goes the other way too] so perhaps you need to vocalize these in a clear manner. I'm sure you'll be fine.
But honestly, sometimes you just have to jump & trust that he'll be there to catch you. Good luck~ I think you're lucky to have found someone who's also been there so he could better understand you.. if anything, you can ask him how he's able to trust you.. that might help. :)
@still_standing - I totally agree about the leap of faith. If he's given you no reason for him to trust you, and if you really want this relationship to happen now, then you gotta just jump. But have your safety net - your friends, family, and your gut.
Of course, the alternative is to take a break from each other and let yourself - and himself - heal.
Most people have been hurt before in relationships. I was in an abusive relationship for two years. And yet somehow, I have learned to trust again - because, you gotta admit, that even after all the hurt you've been through, you're still alive. You're still standing!
And you gotta trust that if your heart gets broken again, you will survive it. Sometimes it's not so much about trusting the other person, but trusting your own ability to survive, and trusting your own judgment. So maybe it's not that you don't trust him, but you don't trust yourself thinking that he's a trustworthy guy. Does that make sense?
Good luck...you can and you will get through this.
http://howtotellifaguyisajerk.blogspot.com/
That's normal to have issues with a past relationship carry over into a present relationship. But you do have to come to realize that your guy is not your old boyfriend. It may be helpful for you to talk with someone (a friend, a counselor, a mentor, etc.) to try to get over what happened to you in the past.
get over the past before engaging yourself in the future. make sure he's not a rebound and the most important thing is make sure you're ready before jumping into another relationship. if you're not ready, you'll be bringing baggage into the already stressed out relationship.
@Super___Connected@xanga - I'm afraid I'm in the same boat as well. But my boyfriend is a real sweetheart and has been very understanding. At times I'd feel really guilty for having these terrible, irrational notions, but at the same time I feel as if all they are are merely intuitions-meant to guide me/help me prepare of what could happen rather than turn me into a paranoid fool.
You are retarded...
Why would you get into a relationship if you have severe trust issues?
Actually...Now that I think about it, you and your boyfriend are perfect together...Get married and have a lot of kids... Just make sure to move to the south...
If you don't learn to trust him, he will replicate what you feel towards you. What if he thinks that because you can't trust him, why should he trust you?
It's hard to move on from a hard breakup or relationship, but it's what it takes to make a new relationship work.
@immaairheadxl@xanga - This post reminded me of a song as well: Previouscats by Musiq Soulchild.
In the song he says basically that you can't blame your current SO for what your previous ones did to you. If you have no reason not to trust this one, trust him! Don't project your ex's actions/personality/mistakes onto him. I know it's immensely difficult and it's way easier said than done, so if you have to take a break from relationships to get your mind right, then do it.
It's like Tyler Perry, quoting Maya Angelou, said: "If someone shows you who they are, believe them." That goes both ways--good or bad. If your boyfriend has shown himself to be a fantastic guy, believe him!
Sounds like the two of you are clinging to each other because both of you know the other won't cheat.
Waiiiit. You still think he might.
So. Get out of the relationship. It won't be any good for you if you can't trust him. Trust. Is. Everything. And you can't *make* yourself trust him, you have to come to the conclusion that you can trust guys again on your own.
Be by yourself a while. Feel wonderful about yourself, say to your mirror, "How could anyone cheat on this loveliness?" and move on. Only then, start dating again.
Best of luck.
If you are having problems because you both just got out of bad relationships, maybe you are not ready to be in a relationship. Even though you care very much for your boyfriend, take time to consider what is best for you (and even him probably).
Ask yourself: Is it healthy to be in a relationship where you are always bugging him about cheating? about how he really feels? How does it make you feel when either of you assume things?
Since you both got out of a bad relationship, it is possible you have gone into this relationship because you both have this similarity, and are trying to create something better than what you two experienced. However, it's just not working out. .. If.. that makes sense. Unless the both of you are ready to start out on CLEAN slates.. and will stop having assumptions about each other.. I think you should reconsider being in a relationship. Maybe you guys got into the relationship a bit too quickly.. it wouldn't hurt to be friends for a while, and learn more about each others' personalities & experiences instead. After that, then you can decide to get into a serious relationship.. or not. A friendly relationship is never a loss.
But whatever you choose, you choose!
/hopeful.
-- P.s -- if you talk out your feelings, make sure both of you explain why you are doubtful.. or why you feel insecure about things.. especially if it was caused by something in a past relationship. He might not understand why you're feeling the way you are.