Thursday, November 06, 2008
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Most of My Friends are Girls, Does That Bother You?
Mr. GiraffeLast fall, I had a girlfriend -blah!- and for a while we were great together. But there was a major problem my now ex didn't have the guts to tell me about: she was jealous of my girl friends. At first, I thought she was fine with it because I'd hang out with them with her. Sure, there were a few times I'd hang out with someone else instead of her but I thought it was fine. Couples need their space...plus I'm not going to sacrifice my friends for the sake of a girl.
The one time this was an issue was last Halloween when I chose to go see The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D with my friend Shannon instead of going the parade in the Village with my girlfriend. I told her that I'm not a Halloween person and I hate the Village, and she said she understood. But later, her roommates told me she was upset about it and complained about it the whole to the parade. Um, hello? Open and honest communication, are you there?
Other such drama occured because my girlfriend would insist every girl was flirting with me (hardly the truth; I'm not the kind of guy with whom girls flirt and I don't know how to flirt myself). And the thing is, if my ex-GFwould have just told me she had a problem, I would have done something about it.
She always said she understood that I'm just more comfortable with girls and make friends with them more easily than with guys. I know that if the situation were reversed, I would have no problem. Friends are friends; lovers are lovers. That's my motto when it comes to this kind of thing.
Does it bother you if your girl or guy has a lot of friends of the opposite sex? Should it bother you?
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Comments (85)
As much jealousy and the thought of that idea scares me, and being one to never give a shit cuhs all I hang out with is guys..YES. It does bug me. lol because it'll make me feel insecure..like compared to. competent against. It's horrible. But it's true..but yeah, i never had that problem haha cuhs I know how to get my man's attention ;) without overdoing it..u know u knowhahha
Nope. Even if I can't stand his female friends... as long as I don't have to put up with them or hear about things that annoy me about them, I'm fine. I don't think it SHOULD bother anyone. You said exactly what I think about it: "I'm not going to sacrifice my friends for the sake of a girl"/guy. The world doesn't end because you get a boyfriend or a girlfriend. There is generally a life after a boyfriend or girlfriend and it's nicer when you still have friends.
Oh, oh it should. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Just kidding. Your ex is a bit paranoid. You're better off without her. But I assume you know that. Anyone who is that jealous/posessive needs some help with their self-esteem. Although sometimes, I just can't help indulging in that sort of behaviour myself.
We all have our moments.
Yes!
I don't really care if my bf has a friend that happens to be a girl. But when he starts wanting to spend time with her over me, then I have a problem.
I think it's only really a problem when you consistently choose one of your female friends over your girlfriend, unless the female friend is going through a tough time or something and needs you. But I have lots of male friends and I don't think that should bother anyone
I'm like you. Most of my friends (possibly about 2/3s total, maybe more) are girls. I tend to be more comfortable around girls or talking to girls. Maybe one reason is, even though I do love cars myself, I want to get away from guys who only talk about cars. Plus, I find that it helps alot because I have talks with them and understand the things they go through, talk about, or whatever. Luckily, none of my past girlfriends had a problem with it. It wouldn't really bother me as much if my girlfriend had a lot of guy friends. I mean, sure, they would be times when I think that maybe they would be crowding the space, but it comes down to trust and if you have trust in her, then it would be fine.
theres a difference between "just having friends that are girls" and "having friends that are ONLY girls."
but your ex should have let you know how she felt. it's all about open communication.
Oh who knows, I have a tendency to not like it because while "friends are friends" and "lovers are lovers" any guy I have been interested in I have been friends with first. I actually understand why you ex didn't say anything, she would have looked jealous and while she was that is not exactly a pleasant trait to show, and she wanted to hide it because she would have expected a response of "but nothing will happen, i don't like her like that." or the equivalent. You say if she had told you, you would have done something about it? But what?
i think it is a problem. NO, you shouldn't drop them especially if you've been friends before but you have to have a limit. most of the time we don't say anything because we want to be fair and understanding but eventually it takes a toll on our feelings.
i think you and a girl alone should be prohibited. you want to hang out ? hang out with me and your friend. if they need to talk to you, there are phone calls, e-mails, and if its emotional, come over to the apartment and i'll leave you guys alone.
jealous? insecure? think what you want. its my feelings.
(speaking from your gfs point of view)
It doesn't really matter what gender his friends are, but what really sucks is if you choose to hang out with a friend OVER her. My ex had a lot friends who were girls too, and it didn't really bother me except for one of them, because he pretty much always did whatever she wanted, and I didn't like competing with her, because I felt like I shouldn't have to. The few guy friends he did have were pretty understanding about it. Although it wasn't a main reason why we broke up, it did contribute because I felt like I was less important than his friends. She didn't want to ask you to choose her over your friend; it should have been a decision on your own. Do you really want her to tell you what to do? You should have come up with a compromise to include her on Halloween, because even if you didn't wabt to see the parade, you should want to spend it with her.
Well, your girlfriend had some kind of problem. If it bothered her I think she should have spoke up. I can relate to how you feel because I have always had male friends. I never liked the way that the women I knew were catty with each other, and would get jealous of each other as soon as someone had something good happen to them. My male friends just wanted to have a good time, without the drama. Of course once I fell in love with the man I am married to now, I had to give up being one of the boys. Actually I never met a man who liked the idea that I had all my crazy guy friends, and might stay out all night. I wish you luck in finding a woman who can accept that you have lovely female friends that you are totally platonic with, but it will be an up-hill battle. Especially if you sometimes pick them over your girlfriends. Jealousy happens to a lot of normally nice girls, especially when romance blooms with a man surrounded by hotties.
I would think it would depend on the situation. But your EX should have told you her feelings.
I'm a dude that has more female friends than guy friends.
And my now-ex girlfriend used to say girls were flirting with me all over the place. She, too, was jealous of my female friends (that's not really why we broke up, just one of those things).
And all my girl friends accuse me of flirting with all my other girl friends (well, okay - accuse is a bad word ... they laugh and roll their eyes).
Actually, I had a blog on this same subject ... let me know what you think.
http://tinyurl.com/5v68c5
It's natural to have more friends of the opposite gender because opposites attract. However, it really depends on the situation. I'm fine with my man having more female friends because I have more male friends...it's double standard. It would bother me if 1. my guy makes MORE time for his other female friends than he does for me, 2. if the girl that he's hanging out seems to be 'interested", or 3. if the girl he's hanging out with doesnt know of my existence (that's a major issue for me). I would feel like he's trying to find a better replacement while he's dating me. But I would address the issue because I can't expect him to know me inside/out.
I'm like you...so many female friends. I would be uncomfortable if my SO had a bunch of guy friends.
Good thing I'm single right now. haha.
It does bother me only because a lot of people end up dating their best friends and that's how some good relationships start.
It never bothered me that my first boyfriend had a lot of friends that were girls. But after finding out he cheated on me with one of his ex-girlfriends, it'll be harder for me to accept my future-boyfriends having a lot of friends that are girls.
I would definitely let the guy know though, like you said she should have communicated truthfully with you, but she didn't. I sure as hell did, when my first boyfriend was flirting with my best friend, I told him straight up that it bothered me.
Come on girls, let 'em know.
:)
you never had a clue that she was bothered by this? ...no hints or anything?
I don't think the number would matter to me. How close a girl is to a guy might matter to me.
It would bother me if my boyfriend hangs out with girls a lot (especially when the girls have some sort of incentive to woo him - but it looks like in your case, you guys are just friends). I thought that she should have been more open with you, so that you could understand her point of view and probably hang around the girls less so as NOT to make her feel uncomfortable about the situation. It's all about bad communication.
It also depends on your personality.
Xo
I would have been really upset about you prefering to hang out with your female friends over me - had I been your girlfriend - too. The way I see it, if I'm going to call someone my boyfriend, they should like me so much that they would rather be with me over there friends - no matter what is going on. .. and if they are hanging out with other girls, I should be there. It's the unwritten rules. -- not just the demands of an insecure girl. I would feel more insulted than afraid of losing my bf if he prefered to hang out with another girl over me.
It would definitely bother me.
all my close friends are guys AND majority of them have liked me or dated me at some point in the past... my boyfriend jokes around and calles them 'my guys'.
he's very accepting and trusting. =)
i rarely talk/see them and i spend a lot of time with my boyfriend.. so he accepts that i talk to them once in a while. id on't think he likes it very much but... i wouldn't stand it if he was jealous of my friends.i have this thing of no second chances. if it didn't work out, then it won't work out now.. so all my guy friends are extremely platonic to me.