This is a guest blog submitted by uhm_roar.A friend of mine just broke up with his girlfriend of two years. He was torn up, the
normal "I-don't-know-why-she's-doing-this",
"I-don't-even-know-what-I-did-wrong", and the ever so popular
"I-would-do-anything-to-have-her-back" crap. Yeah, we all go through
that unless you're an emotional freak of nature with a poker face of
steel.
He was like this for a good six weeks, I'd say...up until he found out
that his ex was already hot and heavy with another dude. He confronted
her about this and now he won't return her phone calls or texts. He
told me he should have known that this would happen, looking back at
her relationships in the past.
She was a serial monogamist. My friend and I both have known her
for a few years now, and we just never picked up on the signs. He would
always come to me about his relationship problems, as I would do the
same when I needed someone to talk to. We both came to a realization
that she's always been "in love" with every guy she dated, and always
seemed to be in it for the long term. And it's true, ever since I've
met her, she's always had a boyfriend.
Are you a serial monogamist or have you ever come in contact with
one? How can you pick up the signs of a serial monogamist without
knowing about their pasts?
Comments (39)
Well, the thing was, I was like your friend when I broke up with my ex of over 3 years. And then, about 3 weeks after, she was like his ex, hot and heavy with another guy. But, I still talked to her and even though it caused me a great deal of pain to know what she was doing, I eventually learned to get over it. I wouldn't really know how to tell who is a serial monogamist, though. Then again, I only had one serious relationship.
Well..I understand how your friend feel. I was in this state of situation before. You would never read the sign because you are too engross in the relationship. Its until thing started to change, honeymoon period over then you aill realize something is very wrong.
Just like me, I was too devoted in that relationship that I never even realize something is fishy.
Lett Meeting, No more Sex, Less Call, Less Messages til you will start to suspect something is very wrong.
It causes a great deal of pain if you ever find out what she did, seeing another guy behind your back, and whatever times and things you did with her all went to the guy.
To me things would never be the same anymore and I guess I would not be so devoted in a relationship anymore if one comes my way. Scared of getting HURT again I guess.
Um. For all I know, I might be one. *shrug*
The definition is too vague, I think.
this is interesting. what is your definition of a serial monogamist?
I agree, the definition is too vague. If I use the definition you have said, then my ex would be one of them. At least I hope she's trying to change it because she says she changed but oh wells.
Oh gracious, this sounds all too familiar to me. But instead of a 2 year relationship, try 3.5 years. And instead of 6 weeks later, try less than one week. =X (end complaining here, sorry)
My sympathy to your friend and other people who have found themselves "victim" to those who just love being in love and will pretty much be in love with anyone. I don't know if that is called a serial monogamist, but I see the type that you are trying to describe. I guess you could coin those sort of people as "rebound players" as well...? I suppose I really wouldn't know how to "spot" and avoid one. I guess for my future reference, I will stray from people who say they just got out of a serious relationship a few weeks/months ago.
I don't understand what you mean by "serial monogamist". If anything, being a serial monogamist isn't a negative trait at all - it's someone who deeply believes in one-on-one relationships, and loyalty at all times.
You're describing someone who is evidently very interpersonally dependent - someone who has to be with someone to be happy, and someone who evidently "falls in love" far too quickly. It isn't actually falling in love of course, but becoming infatuated and attached to someone too quickly in order to feel secure and cared for.
I think, a better choice of words would have conveyed your meaning better.
In answer to your question, one of my friends is precisely this type of girl. She always has a boyfriend, and she always claims that this man is someone she is deeply in love with, and is someone that "has changed her life". It's loneliness and insecurity, not anything to do with monogamy.
Also, I have a great poker face!!! Or so I'm told. Only when actually playing poker though.
What in the world is a "serial monogamist"?
I agree with the previous comments about wording; I wouldn't have used the word monogamist. But I think I know what you mean. I have a couple of friends that are like that, people who jump from one serious relationship to another.
One of them, lets call her A, has what my friend and I like to call a 9 month itch. Since high school she's been with a guy whom she's loved each and every time, and yet a week after they break up, (sometimes not even,) she's with another guy she "loves."
The signs that A gives the guys gets are 1. She tells them that she's "never felt that way before," and right away uses those 3 words. 2. She talks about their future very early on. and 3. They move in together very early as well.
She is someone who can't live without a guy, but can't live them permanently, so once she gets bored, it's another new love.
I was a serial monogamist at one time. I was young and that was the only way I knew how to deal with my frustrations and anger of being dumped!
I hated my ex and i thought maybe if i got laid a lot it would really make the pain go away. Well guess what? It didn't and I ended up with more people to hate me... hehehe!
I learned my lesson though. I still love sex but once I reached 30 I realize.... its not as big of a deal as finding a real Companionship for the rest of my life..
i am. and i have always been. i dont think its a poor thing, maybe my exs think so but its just something ive always done. i never felt right if i wasnt looking for love. i love to love and believe it will take several if not way more times dating people to find someone i can truely see myself with for good. i may believe i am from start cause im that little girl at heart who still wishes all guys were prince charming even though many men have done me so much harm, physically and emotional, i have never given up. so i try over and over and over and always my hope is restored so i believe this trait is a bit naive but nice to have at times. i used to date around and sleep with the most of them. but i realized it wasnt healthy to do so. so once it hit home my rep was only going to be shot from the fact i just wanted to find someone who really could love me i slowed down but still dated one after another. i come to realize at this day and age its normal. but at the same time alot of people look down upon it. the signs if you dont know someones past, is if they get really emotionally really fast sometimes or read into little things alot. but really somepeople are just like that. i would say, you cant truely know without going into their past.
mmm.. I guess this is one situation I'm not the expert on. I am the aforementioned "emotional freak of nature with a poker face of steel." it's not easy being that though, it's just really hard to feel connected to someone. maybe I'm a zombie and I don't know it- that's not really the point I was going to make.
I have a friend who is a serial monogamist. and I definitely have to take the other side here. every girl he's ever dated he's loved. every girl he crushes on he wants so badly he is lovesick over them. any relationship, regardless of how short leaves him heartbroken. he can't be happy alone. this sounds like the downside of being the other person in the story. how do you spot one? hell, I don't know. but if you date someone for a week and they're in love with you. run. don't stop running until you reach canada. serial monogamists hate canada.
Rome
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - Same here, on both accounts.
I don't see anything wrong with that... I mean, if you can't see yourself with a person in the long run, why would you even continue to date them? The point of dating people is to find someone to marry, or at least that's the origination. And I definitely think that's more true for girls. It's not uncommon for girls to think that way, while it seems guys are more interested in 'having fun' and don't think about the future. That may not be the case, I'm not a guy, I don't know. But that's what it seems like.
@porcelainx27@xanga - I agree with this actually - this isn't really the meaning of 'monogamy' you described in the blog. It's kind of insulting to people who are truly monogamous. Monogamy is a good thing! Monogamy simple means being loyal and being with only one person at a time. It has nothing to do with claiming to be in love or being emotionally attached - it's being respectful.
*raises hand*
I think I'm one. They say admitting you have a problem is the first step toward recovery! Haha.
Seriously, though... I am happy in the relationship I am in now, but if I ever become single again, I think I will take a break on the whole relationships front.
Sounds like co-dependency to me. Been there done that. It's fear based - afraid of being alone - wanting to be loved etc. Low self-esteem - thinking you need someone to be with. Until you are happy with yourself and love yourself, there's really no hope of being in a healthy relationship (my opinion).
i too think monogamy would actually be a good thing. and then again, is it possible to love 2 ppl at the same time ? i read somewhere about this and think it could be happening to me.
what would you do then ?
I'm not a serial monogamist, and I hope I don't get to have any sort of relationship with one lol. Well, at least I hope she'll be monogamist in the relationship w/ us and not like the girl you mentioned.
I started dating my senior year in HS, and so far my first boyfriend has been my only boyfriend, so I don't know whether or not I am/will be a serial monogamist.
However, my best friend is exactly that way. My junior year she was "in love" with a boyfriend, then they broke up and she was torn up for a bit and was suddenly "in love" with a different old flame, then he moved away, and she was suddenly in love with the first guy, and then they broke up for good, and within the week she'd met someone new to love.
She's unhappy being single, though, I think is what it all comes down to. She doesn't know how to be happy without loving someone else and having someone else who loves her that way. She's very independent, except with her boyfriends--she gets very clingy with them--until they break up and she finds someone else.
::shrugs::
Different strokes for different folks, i guess...
I understand what you mean.
I'm not a serial monogamous. I date here and there... I have options, but I don't automatically make the other person my world.
If I feel there is potential, I will put effort into the relationship.
If not, I don't mind being alone.
I guess some people don't' want to be alone. But I wouldn't know how to spot one.
hmm, i am one. haha... just so happens thats how it happens.
I see what you're saying, but, like many of the above posters, I wouldn't call that a serial "monogamist". More like "serial clingy person" or something like that.
I want to note the difference because personally, I am a 'serial monogamist' if you will. I believe in longer, more meaningful relationships, than casual flings with more people. But that's not to say that every person I ever end up dating is going to become my 'boyfriend who I am in love with' after a few weeks. No no. It just means that if I don't feel that personal connection that will let me get into something deeper than just a few sleep-overs or dinner dates, then I won't be interested in pursuing it. Thus, when I DO find somebody with a deep connection, I'll probably end up dating them exclusively for an extended period of time, just like my past boyfriend. That's what, to me, means 'serial monogamist'.
On a sidenote, my boyfriend was a serial polygamist if you will, and finding THAT out led to the ending of our relationship.
Given that debacle, I think being a serial monogamist is infinitely better!
for a while, I have been a serial monogamist. Or more a serial clingy person. for me since Senior year I have had some form of a cling fest with some guy. I am single now and have been for about 3 months, and even then there have been a lot of make out sessions and a lot of potential boyfriends. and well I've felt pretty crappy about it. so I decided I need to be single for a while more. Crazily enough this is the longest time I have been single since I was 17. I am now 20. I think my problem is I am afraid to live my life with out someone. So for right now I have been asked out a couple of times, but I am not ready for a relationship. so I have stopped even going out on dates. I want to be happy with myself and where I am in life before I go out again. Hopefully this way when the right person does come up I'll be ready to have a great steady relationship.