This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.About a year ago, I started hanging out with a guy from work. At first,
it was with other people from work, but they just didn't click with us
and eventually we started hanging out on our own.
Now, I think to
teenagers nowadays, "hanging out" means something totally different
so I want to clarify - we really were just hanging out. Playing Guitar
Hero or other video games, board games, watching cheesy movies. Through
some events, we became really close and he became my best friend.
I have always had mainly guy friends, so this wasn't weird or
anything, and I never developed feelings for any of them. But, after a
few months, I noticed that I was almost...living for our moments
together. They were the best times I was having. My current boyfriend
and I had been doing badly for a while, and this was just like an escape.
We were spending every moment together that we weren't at work, talking
on IM or...doing whatever. Anything. We just clicked.
About 4 months ago, he told me that "if things were different" he
would totally date me. He has said many times that I seem like I would
be the perfect girlfriend, and he doesn't know why my current boyfriend
(we're breaking up now...he's not even in the picture)
couldn't see that. He has told me that I am gorgeous, and he had never told a girl that before.....because he is gay.
Or, at least he has never been with a girl. He had some bad luck
with girls when he was in high school, and said he was just more
comfortable with guys so...that's what he did. I know that he looks at
girls, but only kinda, and he is pretty awkward around them.
I have extremely strong feelings for him. I would do anything for
him, and do anything to spend a moment with him. I still see him as a
friend that I can talk to about anything, but sometimes I look at him
and I see that it could be so much more. His boyfriend tells him all
the time that he is fat or doesn't take care of himself and generally
just puts him down. He won't even let him go public with their
relationship, and they have been together for, like, three years now.
I KNOW that I could treat him better, but he is so scared to leave
his boyfriend and "be alone". And not to mention...the sex
part....would I even make him happy that way?
What would you do? He is giving me such strong signals about liking
me, but at the same time is gay.
Do I try to pursue this? Do I tell him
how I feel? I am so afraid that I will lose him as a friend.
Comments (136)
reminds me of that movie the object of my affection.
i usually just tell people because i say what i feel.
I think you should tell him, but put in how you don't want your friendship to change. Especially with him always saying you would make a great girlfriend...it just seems like you ought to.
can you imagine if he's really bisexual? I always thought that each gay guy has that one girl that they would go straight for, just only one.
These situations get stickier and stickier... no pun intended :D Funny how I used to tell my (straight) friends that I kind of want to date a "gay" guy. Because if I can turn him straight, damn, more power to me! If not, at least I got some action right?! lol. Okay, all jokes aside. So he's had some bad experiences in the past with girls... no biggie. But keep in mind about 2 things. 1. You're going through a breakup (somewhat), and 2. He's still in a relationship. IF you do tell him how you feel and he reciprocates that feeling, it may possibly be a rebound for the both of you (given that both parties break up). I don't know if that's the right way to approach this situation. I'd give it some time.... especially if you both are going through a rough patch right now. If anything, the bond will make a stronger foundation for both of you guys if he chooses to give "girls" another shot. :o) Good luck!
Just want to remind you that if he's gay, he has no problem sharing all his feelings with you. First of all, because there's no threat of rejection, because he's gay and it is out of the question. Also because gay guys generally like to share their feelings. This means that saying that you would be a perfect girlfriend might not mean anything at all. If you really do think their's a chance that he would go straight for you (highly unlikely) tell him! On the other hand, do you want to be caught in a situation where you never feel good enough bc you are not a man? just some thoughts.
Before you tell him how you feel, you should really figure out if he is gay or bisexual--beyond mere speculation. Even if you want to keep him as a friend, there is a strong possibility that he will look at you differently if your feelings for him aren't mutual. It could change nothing, or it could slowly create a rift between you two. If I were you, I'd make sure he doesn't just check out other girls' taste in clothes.
@little_apple_red@xanga - i love that movie!
I say go for it. Any chance for love is worth the risks.
just be honest with him.
I knew a guy who was classically flamboyant gay, pride parades and everything...when i found out he had been with a girl for like 6 months and was loving it, i was surprised but hey, sometimes you find love in the unlikeliest of places...
I say try. Sit him down and have a talk with him. If you're both willing to try it out, then go for it!
Well, I am always of the opinion that sexuality isn't just gay or straight, it's more of a spectrum. But it sounds to me like he falls much more on the gay side, because we've all had bad experiences with the opposite sex but we don't just give up on the opposite sex if we're straight.
Honestly, I would say that you should move on. Maintain your friendship because clearly that's very important to you. If you try to push him into trying to be with you romantically, it could ruin the friendship. The things he's saying - that you seem like you would be the perfect girlfriend and he would be with you if things were different - do not mean he secretly wants to be with you. It means he cares about you a lot and admires/respects you, but things AREN'T different. He's gay and you need to find someone straight.
Try and talk to him. If he's that good of a friend he shouldn't be affected if he decides he truly is gay and only thinks of you has a best friend.
Going after this can only end in heartbreak.
I'm a lesbian, and there have been men I find attractive and totally click with on a personal level, but trying to date them would ruin everything. As empathetic as you may be, it's not a struggle a straight person can really understand. I might be able to date those guys and be happy for a time, but I couldn't end up with them forever. I would always wonder what was still out there for me. I would know that, as great as this is, it would be even better if it were with a woman. I would never feel like I was really myself. It could be better, and that would always be on my mind. I would bet it's the same for him.
Also consider the fact that you're both in or just coming out of pretty unsuccessful relationships. That doesn't make for good judgements in picking partners. There are several people that I've dated that, while I liked them as people, I wouldn't have dated them if I hadn't been in post-break up aftershock.
In the end, it's overwhelmingly more likely that it wouldn't work out, and then you wouldn't even have this guy as a friend anymore. At least, not like you used to. I wouldn't persue it. It can't end well.
My knowledge of this situation is derived from watching Will and Grace... based on that, I'd recommend against dating your friend? He sounds like an amazing best friend though!
Always want what you can't have...
don't do it. way too much risk involved in everyone being hurt.
wow this sounds like a tough situation. i've been in a similar situation before... liked my gay best friend... that didn't work out, but i guess we rode it out and we're still good friends today
Oh honey, I know it's comforting to want to be in the arms of someone who seems to love you unconditionally. Keep in mind that gay guy friends can say all the things you want to hear because they have the comfort of not ever having to follow through. They're protected by the barrier of their sexuality.
It makes everyone feel good to make others feel good, and most men know exactly how to make a woman feel better. As women, positive reinforcement from a guy who has no ulterior motive is uplifting, it gives a sense of sincerity. And yes, he probably is quite sincere, but do yourself a favor, look for a guy who is actually attracted to you.
First, he's got a significant other. Second, he's gay. Third, you're going through a breakup and you want emotional support WHILE not risking getting hurt. You've created that scenario by falling for a guy who loves you for who you are but can never hurt you because he's gay.
Being gay isn't easy and coming out of the closet isn't either. For him to be openly gay took a good amount of soul searching on his part and if you knew him and valued him as a friend you'd respect the fact that he found himself and not try to turn him into someone who is convenient for your life and needs.
it could potentially get pretty awkward if the feelings were not reciprocated... maybe just wait until you're sure he feels the same, and then do it?
I think he's already hurting himself by letting that piece of crap bf put him down. It seems that his very sure about being gay, so whether you tell him or not might not change things at all. I think you shouldn't distance yourself completely, but you should start getting to know other people.
I'm in love with my gay best friend too. Just so happens he's my boyfriend too though. Ahh, convenience.
Oh my gosh.. almost the exact same thing happened to me. Or rather, we were best friends, and then it got messy, and now we're not so much best friends anymore and it's still very messy and complicated.
I think you should be very, very careful. It's definitely possible that he's not for sure gay... but you don't want to pin all your hopes on this working out and then have it fall apart. Trust me.. it sucks.
*sigh* Sometimes life just isn't fair.
I would just talk to him and tell him what's up. He could be bisexual by the sounds of it. You can tell him if things don't work out that you still want to maintain your friendship.
Though you might think that communicating your feelings may jeapordize your relationship with him as a friend, you really need to be honest with yourself and your friend. It may hurt your friendship more if you keep these issues under lock and key. Good luck to you.
ha, i seem to have almost the exact opposite problem...