This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.I just realized that I'm in my third almost-dating friendship, and
I'm beginning to worry if I'm doing something wrong. What I mean by
that is a close friendship with a guy that involves spending large
amounts of time together, talking late into the night, much flirting,
and occasional cuddling, all without actually being in a relationship.
People often think I'm dating the almost-boyfriend/friend. It never
involves kissing or sex, just... exclusive flirty friendship.
The first time this happened to me was the first (and only) time
I've ever been in love. I had a crush on a guy I eventually became
friends with, and HE initiated lots of flirting and displays of
affection. I eventually told him how I felt and asked him to stop
saying he loved me if he didn't mean it because it was hurting me. He
responded by saying that he had had feelings for me a while ago. And
that was that. We eventually fought and the friendship went down in
flames.
The second time it happened a casual friendship escalated when he
became uber flirty and we started hanging out a lot, usually ending up
cuddling. All of our friends thought we were dating or were about to
date. We had one real date, after which he told me we should just be
friends. We didn't much change how we acted with each other until I got
fed up and started seeing someone else.
The third time we actually started out dating, until he told me we
should just be friends. I was okay with that because I wasn't looking for a
relationship...until I ended up in one, a dating-friendship, with him.
We hang out a lot, talk all the time, and flirt, always initiated by
him. I'm attracted to him but I don't think I'm falling for him
So, what is my problem? I didn't think I was encouraging them, but
it seems to happen to me a lot. It's getting frustrating, because I'm
practically still dating this guy, but not quite. I don't quite
understand why he broke up with me but still keeps up the flirting in
the friendship and everything. I genuinely enjoy being friends with
these guys, but I don't know why this keeps happening. Can anyone help?
Comments (38)
It seems to me like these guys wanted the intimacy of a relationship without the commitment of one. If you don't want this cycle to repeat, don't get so close to a guy without first establishing a commitment. You can get to know a guy without emotional intimacy (i.e. hanging out with him in groups, not getting overly personal in your conversations) and it will save you a lot of heartache. I've done the same things you have, and I know it's easy to fall into that trap, but as long as you're offering the benefits of a relationship without actually being in one, you're not doing yourself any favors.
@GodArt@xanga - Well said. :)
While I agree with what GodArt said...
Perhaps being good friends with a guy is high on your list of must-haves when you date someone, and these are just natural extentions of that desire. One of these days the feeling may be mutual. Just keep your options open and don't pass on other opportunities. So long as no one is getting hurt, I don't see anything wrong with a little cuddle time... if both people feel somewhat non-attached but enjoy the time together... as long as there's a balance in there. Just beware that it could become imbalance rather quickly and know when to get out.
i agree with GodArt and Merridian. I think they both offer useful opinions.
You've gotta be harder to get. Don't let guys treat you like a girlfriend...getting emotionally close to you and spending lots of time together, without committing to pursuing a relationship. YOU are in control of how close you let someone get! Set some emotional/time/physical boundaries and you won't get robbed anymore.
they enjoy your company and like the attention that you give them but yet they don't want to be committed to you.
almost dating is fun.. to a point.
my answer is kinda raunchy for a comment.
@GodArt@xanga - I agree.
Yikes. I can't say I've been in one of these, but I definitely know the pattern.
I have to agree that it does seem like they're afraid or unwilling to commit; they want the perks of the relationship (the intimacy and the idea of someone liking them/flirting with them) without the risk of putting themselves out there (e.g. doing the same with strangers at a bar) or the responsibilities that come with a relationship (it's the birthdates that get me).
Still, it doesn't seem like anything you're specifically doing wrong. Hang in there, and you'll probably find someone fitting eventually.
you're too easy...but not in a sexual way. try making yourself less available so the guys can't "get you" whenever they want. that way, they'll treat you better than they treat their shoes. and they might want you all to themselves and make it into a real relationship.
This one is a toughie! I used to be like you. What's happening to you may not necessarily be a bad thing, especially since no sex is involved! You don't want to jump into a relationship right away until you're sure this is someone you want to invest your time, effort, love, feelings, emotions, the whole nine yards, etc. with, just go with the flow. HOWEVER, I agree with wewong@xanga, don't make yourself tooooo easily accessible. You should read, "Why Men Love Bitches". It’s a very good book to read, seriously. It'll give you some good pointers when it comes to dating and whatnot. By all means, GOOD LUCK! :o)~
my boyfriend and i were talking a couple of nights ago about the girl he dated before me. he was dating her for 4 months. the night they stopped dating was the night she asked, "so what are we?" he answered, "nothing. i told you i dont want a girlfriend." they got into a huge fight that ended up in tears (on her part) and him feeling nothing. he knew from the get-go that he didn't want her as his girlfriend because there were lots of red flags that said she's not "wifey material". the most major thing was that she has a problem with him smoking and smoking is something he can't stop (he didn't do it for his ex, he certainly isn't going to do it for her).
i asked him why he dated her for that long. i told him that he was being a hypocrite because he doesnt think its right that she expect him to change (stop smoking) when it seems like he was expecting her to change (her to be ok with him smoking). he laughed and said it wasn't that. he said he dated her because she was convenient.
so lesson learned: don't be convenient. listen to what @wewong@xanga said.
Hm. I think you need to be upfront about what you want in a relationship. If you do that, the guys that are not wanting a serious relationship with you will just leave. By you hanging out with these guys, you're telling them that it's ok to cuddle and hang out like a couple but not share the responsibility of keeping a relationship going........be upfront!! I think the best relationships are the ones where you are good friends with your partner and it seems like you think the same, from what i've read, so you know what you want in a relationship because the frienship aspect has been in the majority of your relationships to date. However, being painfully honest and stating what you want seems to me the only thing that is lacking.
In a way, you're excusing yourself and your actions (reciprocating by flirting back) by pointing out that THEY initiate intimacy first. You cuddled WITH them, the longer you go on without saying something about it, they're going to think it's okay. You guys talked alot but haven't you ever voiced out the importance of respecting each other's boundaries and how far the dating-friendship will go? I think we've all be there at one degree or another. The problem is you are waiting for these guys to wake up and say "waaait a minute, maybe I shouldn't act like her bf unless I want to become one seriously... Maybe I should stop 'leading' her if I'm not serious with what I am projecting." They aren't going to stop until YOU make it crystal clear (sorry about the cliche) that they're overstepping the boundaries of 'just flirtatious friendship' (especially if you end up cuddling to a point where ppl think you're dating or on the verge of) and even if it'll scare them away, you yourself have to be clear in what you want. Either date them or just be friends. Joke and flirt yes but don't end up cuddling because physical intimacy complicates thoughts. Good luck
I have a best friend like that, actually. He's not looking for commitment--I guess he can be described as a player. At the same time, he's my best friend because I'm always direct about who I am and what I want, and he knows by now I'm far from being like one of his hookup girls. We had a talk early on about us simply being friends, and we've survived through the whole "are we friends or something more" confusing friendship thing. We are intimate in so many ways that aren't overly physical (for instance, we don't do anything more than cuddle or hold hands) and AS LONG AS THERE IS NO CONFUSION, that is fine. However, as I mentioned, it was important we have The Talk just so we were clear about the status of our relationship. We act like we're dating even though we're actually not. He's not looking for anything serious, while I am STILL waiting for my soulmate, go figure. Naturally, as close as we are, both of us do experience jealousy and frustration time to time, but our friendship still stands strong.
There is one thing that I WILL NOT do, however, and that is to move in with him (as much as he wanted me to do) because I feel that crosses the boundaries somewhat.
Its not a matter of what you two are or what you two should be. I agree with godart and disagree at the same time. Sometimes a guy is afraid of commitment and so therefor doesn't commit to a girl, but then there are those guys who are just afraid to see the reaction you would have if they did ask you out. Call me stupid or whatever you want, but there are guys like that out there, no matter how close you are, they're just that afraid to lose the friendship they already have.
Now I can't tell if you have one of those guys here but why don't you ask him? I mean, if you take a look at it carefully, if you started dating someone else, or if he started dating someone else, it would end up in a bad way anyways. I know thinking like this is bad, but what choices do you really have?
i'm on the same shoes but i'm worst because we got "really" intimate and that really messed things up because i got sooo attached and now it's hard to stay away from him.
one time i told him i'm falling inlove with him but he just told me he likes me but doesnt want to be in a serious relationship because he wants to concentrate on his career and all those lame crap excuses and when i told him he should stop contacting/seeing me because he's hurting me and it feels like he's taking advantage of me he just wouldn't stop.
i tried to "hibernate" (read: not reply to his emails, texts, not answering his calls, not seeing him) from him many times. i'll be gone for like a month or two but he would just call and call and eventually i'll just give in, specially when he starts telling me he misses, i'll just crumble and would see him again. and then we would fight over something again (usually, it's him just contacting me when he wants to be "intimate") and i'll hibernate again and the cycle continues.
sorry, i got carried away with my story... my point is, don't let yourself fall in the same situation as i am. ask him directly what you are for him. if he said he doesnt want a serious relationship, RUN AWAY--FAST! those sort of guys are bad news.. they're selfish and just want the get the "good stuff" without giving something in return. set bounderies and keep it, be consistent. because you'll be at the losing end.
@eyesochinky@xanga - Oh my God! There is actually a book for that? I ask this question all the time, and say it all the time.. That men love bitches.. Thought about turning into one, but i couldn't pass it off.
This has to be frustrating.. When they say that they just want to be friends, do you feel the same way, or do you just feel rejected? Once they establish this, then spend less time hanging out.. No cuddling.. Hang out like you would a girlfriend, but then they need to go home.. don't make yourself so available.
Heyy there....
"Been there, done that....." Dats me...!! :) Its been almost 7 months now.....All started wid Jeff asking me to spend V-day wid him coz ve were best friends an Ve din want to spend the day moping about our non-existent love-life....!! Wat followed was exactly wat u mentioned above.....!It took me more dan 2 months to realize dat Jeff was more dan a friend...dats wen ve first kissed..:) Jeff has never asked me out till date, but ve r really devoted to each other..... I wud suggest u to give it sum time.....wait and watch how things r going....If u feel dat nothings gonna cum out of it, start hanging out wid other friends equally......Dont let it out to him dat he s the top priority in ur life....Dat shud make him think...!! Al the best..:)
You need to communicate more with the people you're seeing, and set rules for yourself.
If you're not dating/exclusive, yet you continue to cuddle/flirt, you're going to set yourself up.
Don't make yourself always available..it just kind of sets you up.
It's the cow theory, why would they buy the cow if they can get the milk for free? Analogy goes well even if it's not related to sex.
@Rajah021162@xanga - LOL yea they do... its an interesting book. The author refers the "Bitch" as the confident girl etc... so it's not like it's demeaning girls or anything. Plus it's a real picker upper!
Please contact me I promise that I have some good advice, but I am on my way to work. my xanga id is Dragon Eagle