Tuesday, August 26, 2008
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They Connected Online, But Not In Person...Now What?
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.I've pretty much been in love with Bryan for the past eight months. He was a senior in my school – a little older than I was - and he was unlike any other guy I had ever met.
There was no way I could just walk up to him one day and start a conversation, however, so during Christmas break one night, I decided to IM him after I got his screen name from Facebook.
He replied asking who I was, so I told him, thinking that he wouldn't even recognize my name. To my surprise, he told me that he knew who I was. We started talking; it was mostly me asking him questions because I found him so interesting, and he sounded genuine and really nice.
I IMed him again the next day, but on the third day I decided to hold back because I didn't want him to think I was desperately obsessed with him, though I was. And, to my delight, he IMed me after an hour or so.So on and on this AIM relationship went. For the rest of winter break, we talked almost every night for hours. They were the best conversations I had ever had with a guy; he was insightful, playful, and eloquent and everything he said was the perfect blend of wit and seriousness. By the end of winter break I was more fascinated than ever before. And I was in love.
That's not to say that our conversations were perfect. Several things bothered me: all of his past relationships had been with European girls (they broke up because he "couldn't have a transatlantic relationship"); he was friends with older women and could be cocky and standoffish.
But those flaws seemed minor at the time. I enjoyed talking to him so much that I didn't care how different we were. I especially liked hearing all these observations he had made about life and people. He also talked a lot about writing and literature in general; he was a very tough movie critic and hated pretty much all contemporary culture. He said things that no one else ever said and I was hopelessly curious.
Then school started and things got complicated. It was very hard to talk to him at school as we ran in completely different social circles and neither one of us was very talkative; he’s quiet and I'm very shy. The idea of walking up to him and talking as we did on AIM was nerve-wracking.
I always kept an eye out for him, though. When I saw him in person again for the first time, I suddenly realized how physically attracted I was to him.All in all, I was head over heels in love, but it was a sticky situation: I didn't have any relationship experience; so many things about him intimidated me; I liked him so much that I didn't want to risk screwing up anything,
So I did nothing.
We would exchange a few words when we bumped into each other in hallways and on campus, but I never sought him out and spilled my heart out to him as I so desperately wanted to. We still talked on AIM sometimes - but not as often because of school - and maybe because we realized that we couldn't talk at school.
And then one day my computer crashed.
I was devastated – the timing was horrible. But it made me realize just how fragile our connection was. I was relying on a machine to communicate with him because I couldn't do it on my own.
I didn't know if we would have been right together, and I didn't want to try and fail. I kept thinking to myself that I probably was not good enough for him, and that he was probably used to girls much prettier and smarter than I was.
Plus, the high school social system is stifling. I was constantly haunted by thoughts of what others would say. I wasn't courageous enough to break the status quo and go after something I truly wanted.
So I did nothing. And he did nothing.
And now school is over and he's going off to college. My computer recovered and I still go on AIM daily. He signs on sometimes, but not as often as before. Every time he does, my heart still skips a beat. He is unlike any other guy I have ever encountered, and I doubt I will find anyone like him again, or anyone I will like better than him.
Last week he IMed me again and asked what classes I am taking this year as a senior. I told him and asked him why he wanted to know. He said he was "just curious," unaware that these few words brought to the surface longing and bitterness that I have tried so long to move past.
So it's best I try to forget him, right?
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Comments (59)
It kills me that so many girls feel scared and shy about guys. Biology has given women the advantage as far as not getting rejected. At least initially.
I wouldn't say forget him, but I would say not to take it so seriously. Its one person in a sea of millions, and if it was really that awesome it would work out in person. Just take it for what it is, great IM convo.
If you want to live a life full of regrets and 'what ifs' then sure, forget it. Or you could simply tell him, "I like you".
Don't make things complicated.
...well...
i would go see him if i was you.
but i dont think i can give a girl advice, being a guy and all...
unfortunately yes...once you get to college you will meet hundreds of boys like him!
If he didn't make a move either and he is "cocky" but still didn't have the balls because of social circumstances, I'd move on...
It'll hurt but in 2 years time you'll wonder why you liked him
Men have the better odds of meeting women since the ratio of women to men in this little part of the universe is 5 to three. 5 women to 3 men! Wow! I'm getting exicited about my chances of finding someone special in my lifetime all over again.
Yeah, women have biologies that have given them the advantage-this must make up for the absent surplus of men that women do not have to choose from. LOL
i don't think you should limit yourself by saying you'll never like anyone as much as him... you'd be surprised. a relationship involving real love doesn't include a guy you can't even look in the eye and have a real conversation with.
there are many people that seem amazing via aim that just aren't so much in real life. there's a guy i know that seemed like the sweetest guy ever when i started talking to him on aim... but once i hung out with him in person, i realized he wasn't quite as amazing as i thought.
so don't limit yourself, there's lots of guys out there... and hopefully once you get to college, or even this year in highschool, you'll be able to see a guy you think is cute and get up the nerve to talk to him or approach him, even if it is just in a friendly way. :)
Forget him. He was too much of a wimp to make the first move.
You can , and will, do better.
I know that being a teenager and insecure makes it tough to reveal your "love" for someone. Now that you have explored talking to your crush by getting his s/n through facebook (which was very bold, btw!!) you feel even more in love but you have to consider your inexperience. Maybe you are smitten because he's older and more experienced, I've been there. You cant be shy, you only live once, you HAVE TO tell this guy how you feel. Tell him that you regret your lack of boldness and your shyness, explain why you never approached him in school. Worst case scenario: he will know how you FEEL and wont reciprocate the feelings but you will know that nothing ever came of it bc he didnt feel the same, not bc you never did anything about it.........SO JUST DO IT. You owe yourself the peace of mind of at least knowing that you did all you could. If he doesnt like you, oh well, ON WITH THE NEXT!
High school kind of confines you to cliques and there are unofficial lines that are not crossed (like social circles) but dont be afraid..........high school is only the beginning, there are SO many more guys out there. One day you will think back and be like "what did I see in him?!?".
Also, I think that if you try and befriend more people of the opposite sex, not only will you feel more comfortable, you will see that you can click with more guys out there, and be able to better gauge whether or not your crush on this guy is because you are not very experienced or because there is genuinely something there. GOOD LUCK!
I don't know much bout school pressure and things like that. I was never interested in what others thought, i was the weird one and i liked it that way. It made my life simple how strange as that might sound.
So here i am, wondering. If you liked the guy so much why not approach him in school?
A while back i read something that seemed like good advice.
If you fear is the ONLY thing holding you back, then don't hold back.
I think you need an end to the chapter you are in now, wether its a bad or a good end, an ending is needed to start a new chapter :)
Talk to the guy.
If he's going off to college, then just tell him. If he rejects you then you won't have to see him again. You can just say a simple "I like you" or "I have feelings for you."
They're right, you are going to meet great guys in college as well but at least you won't live with regrets.
Ah unrequited love...
For some reason I find stories of this type amusing and enjoyable.
I doubt that you can just choose to forget him. You have two options, you can tell him how you feel or you can just go on with your life and know that while the pain will lessen as time goes on it probably won't go away until you find some other guy. If you choose the option of letting him know how you feel, the best option in my opinion since you have nothing to lose, you have to choose how to do so and that means deciding between IM, email, and a snail mail letter. I personally think that a handwritten mailed letter is the best course of action for this since in person is not really a possibility, I say that because it is the most personal method and because it allows you a greater degree of freedom and should he so choose gives him something tangible to hand onto which could be important in the off chance that a relationship ensues.
just how can you take a few strokes that seriously?
heck you're a senior, why not put it out there and ask him out? enjoy some of the best times of your life. life is different when you hit college. why live with regret?
it's never too late to let him know, now that you know the gravity of your situation
We all have a tendency to make things more complicated than they have to be. See it for what it is: a good conversation. If it turns into something more, so be it.
lame...
@miss_joyce@xanga - Agreed, the life you lead that you let pass you by, is the life that you regret. You only live this life once. Take chances. Make mistakes. Be rejected. Succeed.
Youth is so hopeful and yet so melodramatic:
"He is unlike any other guy I have ever encountered, and I doubt I will find anyone like him again, or anyone I will like better than him."
Trust me, you will. They are all over the place. Think about it: how many guys have you really encountered? People communicate differently online. Maybe he talks to a lot of people online. Maybe stringing naive girls along gives him an ego boost.
Three things about him are very telling and point to one thing: he does not really want a serious relationship. "That's not to say that our conversations were perfect. Several things bothered me: all of his past relationships had been with European girls (they broke up because he "couldn't have a transatlantic relationship"); he was friends with older women and could be cocky and standoffish."
These three things just scream "unavailable" in my opinion and experience. They bother you for good reason - trust your gut.
My advice would be to put your energy into someone who deserves your efforts and attention. This guy kind of sounds like a player. I could be wrong though.
Stop making excuses and just ask him if he is interested. Though the timing is bad, I don't recommend people hold on to relationships going into college. But right now it seems like you have been kicking yourself because nothing happened, and if you don't do anything you will keep kicking yourself. So do something already!
@dreamerboi23@xanga - Word.
Instead of a problem of whether she should confess, I feel that the more immediate problem is whether they can connect in person. I've had quite a few similar relationships online, but I have problems meeting these people in real life almost every time. The affection is mutual most of the time, too. But the relationships don't work out in the end, because both of us are just too different online and in person
I think the best way to go about it would more be something like asking him out just as friends... and see how you feel about interacting with him in person. From my experience, it's much easier to move an online relationship to the real world when you guys are still just friends.
well, if u tink again, he did make a move.. he msged u after such a long hiatus rite? & being sarcastic doesnt really help... so maybe saying "why do u wanna know anyway" (mabe u din mean it in a nasty manner but after not talking for so long, its easy to misread emotions represented with mere words) isnt the nicest thing to say after not speaking for so long to each other.
Somehow i'm sure its a 2 way traffic thing, it takes more than just sheer killing time & coincidence that both parties are online to speak so much. Maybe u guys haven't had time alone like a "date" to really see if u click... so why not make the move say "hey before we have to go on our separate ways in different colleages, lets go for a movie or something"
I'm a strong believer in not looking back & regretting not doing something. I rather i've tried & it doesnt work, than not tried & be stuck 10 yrs down wondering, what if i had another chance at it.
U go girl!
just tell him. it's not that big of a deal. so what if you get rejected? at least now you know and you can move on with your life instead of wondering "what ifs" along the way. he probably felt/feels the same way but was/is at a loss of how to approach you.
don't go through life living with regret. jump at every opportunity that lands on your lap... if you keep rejecting/ignoring them they might never present themselves to you again.
good luck (telling him, hopefully)!!
You should try to tell him you like him. You have nothing to lose...you may regret it if you don't let him know.
On the other hand...don't think he'll be the only guy you'll be interested in.
I have to say, though, he may seem GENUINE online, but remember, you're given an allowance of time to answer - you have time to think about your answer and portray yourself in a different light - he may have shown himself to be desirable, but he may not be prince charming in real life...and since neither of you exchanged many words in person...well, one of you will have to man-it-up and do something about it if y'all are interested.
~da;lkj tapioca miLk~
I've been through similar experiences myself. Let me offer my "pearls of wisdom" ;) (ha)
Guy #1: So I met him through some online game through a friend who knew him. Very quickly I was very much in love with him. He was funny and entertaining, but he still listened to me and what I had to say. And I enjoyed talking to him. The only problem was that he was 2000 miles away and several years older than I was. So no big deal. Every time my computer had problems I became the devil incarnate. I was mean to everyone I saw until the computer was fixed. Eventually I went on a family vacation, and while I was away he ended up getting together with another girl. Of course he explained to me that the pet names, staying up til the wee hours of the night, etc etc, meant absolutely nothing. And then his girlfriend had a fit and some stuff happened...the point is I spent a good year mourning over the fact he wouldn't talk to me again (well he did apologize 6 months later...but it was never the same) and wasted a whole lot of time not making friends, going out, or anything fun like that.
Guy #2: My friend added him to my facebook randomly for me. As I posted on his wall to apologize for the randomness, to my surprise, he actually replied. And so I replied and then he replied and so on. I found myself enjoying his humor and also the fact that he seemed so interested in someone who he'd never met. Over winter break we talked lots and then one night at the very beginning of school started he IMed me. I was already starting to form a crush on him, so I was thrilled. I asked our mutual friend to introduce me in person. It was awkward, of course. We ran in completely different social circles and he was older than me and all that. But he invited me to eat with him at lunch and so I did. Eventually I mustered up the courage to ask him out. And from our first date last January to now we've had a very solid and very satisfying relationship.
The point is, all it takes is a little courage. You can either let him on to how you feel. Or you can't. But my best advice is DON'T MOURN over it. If you chose to not make a move (and your time is running out) make sure its the choice you want, and then stop losing sleep over it. You control how your life goes, so take control.